Precogmare
by Doii
Summary: A mission gone wrong shows Duo the future that awaits them. Could he stop it on time? Can he protect Relena and the other pilots while keeping his secrets hidden? Wrote it ages ago, never published it. A lot of cursing and references to violence, death, blood and suicide. I don't own GW and make no money out of it It's a Heero and Duo get together, background 03x04 and 05xS
1. Mission gone wrong

Duo jerked awake, trying to remember what dreadful thing had happened when darkness overtook him. The images clouded his vision, but through blurry eyes he could see the enemy aiming at the remains of Wufei's body. 'No!' he shouted. He wasn't gonna let them. It took all of him to run until he was able to cover his fallen comrade. When the bullet hit him, he arched his back in pain, but bit his lip. He wasn't giving the bastards the pleasure. Out of the corner of his eye he got to see Sally's horrified expression. Well, he was truly and well fucked if he was seeing dead people. But maybe Sally had stayed with Wufei as much as she could, and now he was gone too… all of them were gone. He tasted blood, damn, he had cut his lip again. But then he noticed, he was panting, his heart was thrumming, darkness was creeping in again. Shit, no, he had to protect Wufei, at least to grant him his dignity until the very end. He had to avenge them all. With a strength that surprised him, Duo managed to stand and grab his friend, running to the mountains. The world stilled then. He could smell it, smoke… smoke everywhere. The heat of the fire surrounded him quickly enough. Desperation grew and his heart was going now at impossible levels, but if he fainted now he was dead, and then no one could destroy the bastards who did this. He had to, he was Shinigami for fucks' sake. With a strong growl that concentrated all his remaining energy he jumped through the flames and kept going. He felt the burns in his legs. It hurt so much he wanted to cry, but if he didn't cry when Heero died, he fucking wasn't crying now. He just needed to get to the lake. Just that. Wasn't it so damned unfair? Why it was him who needed to remain until the very end? Why did they always abandoned him? How could he ever get rid of this fucking curse? If there was a way… he'd do it, no matter the pain, nothing could be worse than this, nothing. Strength failed him then, and he fell to the water. Unable to move his limbs he realized he was going to drown. What a shitty way to go after all. His lungs were burning, but he had given up. It all went dark again.

'What the fuck happened to him?' Sally shouted while running inside the hospital. Bloody place, was a labyrinth.

'Mission gone sour. I have no details Po', Heero barked, 'We found him unconscious, bullet in his skull, damn miracle his brain wasn't fried, and drugged'

'What the fuck could have this effect on him?' Her musings interrupted when Duo arched his back and blood started dripping from his lips, and fucking honest to god splashing from the bullet hole in his damned head, his body taking an impossible angle. Whatever was going on inside him was definitely giving him lots of pain, not minding all the external pain of his injuries. The monitor went crazy, and for a moment she froze. She was certain they were going to lose him no matter what. But then training kicked in. She managed to run the few meters left and get into the room she was looking for, praying to whatever god existed out there to give her hands the ability to save Duo.


	2. Where present, past and future fuse

He opened his eyes to the emptiness of the hospital room, and wondered once more what was reality and what fiction. He had forced his body asleep each time he heard noise coming, and even if his brain wanted to remain aware he'd push until there was no consciousness of his surroundings. No, he didn't want to know. If what awaited him was the confirmation of it all… he was done, for good. If it wasn't, if they were alive and good… god, that hurt too, so much he didn't feel capable of facing it yet. He forced his eyes shut but when all he could see were their battered bodies lying around he had to open them. The voices came in again, he lied down and powered off his brain, even those much loved voices were too much for him right now.

He had overslept to the point his body was screaming to be awaken and active. But they weren't leaving his room. It was an internal fight that took all his willpower to keep hidden. The monitors connected to his body couldn't show a thing, his breathing had to remain even, his eyelids couldn't tittle. Even the slightest change could be noticed by them… if they were really there. He had to stiffen a wince to that thought. 'Please, please, take them away from my room now, so I can open my eyes, so I can see if I'm still awake or still trapped in this nightmare, until I can discern what's reality… and what isn't'. But his luck had run out, more like he never had it. They never left this time, and his trained body was recovered enough to fight his mind now. The training wanted to kick in and made him listen to those voices, to find out what was going on around him, if he was in danger or safe. He could only think he wanted to be fucking dead. The pain in his chest made his breath hitch, and he cursed the betrayal of his own body, there was nothing he could trust anymore, just fucking nothing. Of course, the bodies waiting around his bed approached him in a second, and he couldn't block the sounds anymore.

'Duo? Duo please wake up'

'A nightmare maybe?'

'At least that'd mean he is coming back. He had been dead still for weeks now. Fucking weeks…' The curse contained so much anguish in a voice so unused to the feeling that it was enough to make his heart peak. The machine betrayed him too, with his bloody beeping, and the he thought well, what the fuck, and let the panic attack get a hold of him. His heart went crazy. Four voices shouted his name, two also cursed, and then they were all gone to find the doctor. He took a deep breath and forced his heart to a normal speed. Then opened his eyes and sat in the bed. The sky was different today, it was different every day, that's how he knew time kept going by. The watch in the room also kept ticking. He'd stared at it for hours just to make sure it was running normally, so it wasn't a dream… a nightmare, fuck it… not reality.

He kept his eyes fixed outside when the door opened again and they made their entrance. He heard their breaths hitch and gasp, they must have been scared, yet he couldn't turn to face them yet. Not yet. They'd have questions, and he just couldn't answer them, maybe never.

'Duo…' A loved voice, now so reverent, so hopeful, so desperate… he had to bite his tongue until it fucking hurt, because he wasn't turning, he wasn't answering to the plea it had taken a few years to be able to understand and hear, 'cause damn if Heero Yuy ever pleaded… and fuck if it didn't take a while to help him shake off the perfect soldier mode, and still you required the damned gundam pilot skill to read him, but he could… or he used to believe he could, and he'd been so stupidly proud of it. Yeah, right, as if it meant anything. That didn't change shit. His thoughts made him wince, just a bit, but enough for them to see and approach, hovering because they fucking cared, and that was what he couldn't stand anymore. Not now at least. So when they touched him he jerked away, and that seemed to freeze them. He knew he was being shit, it wasn't their fault… it just… damn, he took a deep soothing breath and looked at them, forcing his body not to react to the sight of it. Four loved faces, full with concern and care, even though it was behind tough soldiers' expressions, were focused solely on him.

'It's ok, I'm fine' Something seemed to click on them, because they gave him space and took a seat in the chairs in both sides of his bed. The concern remained, but they had this thoughtful and calculous stare that meant they were assessing the situation. But he wasn't a fucking situation, and he didn't want to be assessed, no way in hell. The doctor made her entrance then. Looking at Sally was equally painful, so he kept his eyes locked in the window and let her do her job, stiffening the rejection his body wanted to show, and just answering her questions. He wanted to be out of the damned hospital as soon as possible, to be back in his… right, it didn't exist anymore… in both the dream and reality it had been destroyed. He sighed mournfully, and settled in the hope to go back to his damn trailer then. Not the flat, he couldn't remain quiet, not yet. Suddenly warm hands were cupping his cheeks and forcing him to face Sally Po's eyes.

'Hey…' She whispered. Duo stared at her and she frowned 'you really back?'

'Apparently…' He honestly tried to keep the bitterness out from it. The hiss to his right made him question his success, but then the commander was there. 'Agent Maxwell' was her greeting.

'Commander' He nodded. His distant seriousness made her turn a sharp glance at him, trying to read those eyes of his. But they weren't expressive anymore, there was no shine in them. He knew that beforehand, he'd felt it die, but they hadn't, and he felt them tense when they noticed.

'Are you aware of your circumstances?'

'Not really'

'Mission went sour. You were trapped for a week, managed to escape. The place was fully destroyed, you were found severely wounded and unconscious three weeks ago. Dramatic blood loss, needed surgery due to a bullet that almost managed to blow your brain, the remnants of some unknown drug playing with your head. Only your enhanced capacities as a gundam pilot saved you from both death and permanent brain damage. Your body has been surprisingly healthy for a week now. You are officially a medical miracle. We were told you weren't waking up due to exhaustion or psychological stress. I'd like a debriefing on that and on what happened during the mission' He shrugged, and went pensive. How to answer without saying what he didn't want to?

'No idea about the first one, as you said I'm a medical miracle, not sure all the enhancements made to me by G.' He surely as fuck hadn't known about the capacity of his brain to protect itself from that damned bullet, if he'd known… would have he done the same? 'As for the mission… about two hundred more assholes than expected, far more security than acknowledged, and mad scientists also playing with people over there. Seriously, those people should be banned from existence. I managed to escape after a week, but it kind of becomes blurry then. Maybe there's some brain damage after all, or it's partial memory loss, or a secondary effect from the drugs, or whatever' The commander nodded and Duo leaned his head back, closing his eyes again. He wasn't certain he wanted to make his brain remember what had happened after he… He knew the key facts of course, but the rest was indeed blurry. He had let Shinigami take care of it, he had two bloody missions then: one, to kill all the bastards alive in that base, including the slow torture of the sadistic scientists who played with him. Two, to kill himself with a well put bullet in his goddamn brain. He had apparently succeeded at both, but the second one didn't have the effect he'd quite intended. Well, as if failing at killing yourself wasn't humiliating enough, now he needed to make sure no one found out about it. 'What happened with the end of the mission then?'

'You succeeded, destroyed the threat completely, a bit more messy than my liking but we'll survive. Your rescue team' she pointed to the pilots around him '...found you, brought you to safety and gathered the small evidence available. Luckily we had all the evidence we needed against them before you going in there'

'Roger'

'You are healthy enough to be released from the hospital tomorrow and are free from duty for a couple of days. Then I'll be waiting for you to make your own report. I can understand if there are some holes in it' He nodded silently. 'Agent?' The sudden softness in her voice made him straighten back and face her again. 'What happened during captivity?' He shrugged again.

'Nothing worth sharing. Most of my wounds were made in battle after I was free again', physical wounds at least, but he kept that to himself. The commander stared at him for a full minute before walking away with Sally, closing the door behind them, Duo laid down again.

'Duo?' Trowa called hesitant.

'mm?'

'What…?'

'Don't know…' He cut him. He didn't want to talk about it, to anyone, and there was no energy left in him to try to lead the conversation somewhere else, to trick them into believing it had been one more usual time behind bars for him. His eyes showed it wasn't like that. He was too raw, his haunted expression too visible. Luckily, the pain was shadowed, they couldn't begin to imagine what had happened to him, and that was all he needed, all until he could build up his walls again, find the perfect timing to start smiling, they'd get use to his eyes like this, but it needed to be perfect, so they'd never find out. He could keep pretending he couldn't remember, he wasn't trying to bring those memories back anyway.

He was back in the office a few days later, got psychological clearance, went to his medical check-ups and behaved like a sulky patient for the rest of the month. They tried to make him talk about what had happened, he hid behind memory loss and confusion. They started to fear the worse, yet, at the same time, Duo was obviously recovering, as they all could see, because in their anxiety they had arranged a caring routine that let him little time alone. It had been the only way to make sure they wouldn't drag him to live with one of the guys.

Three months later most of their serious concerns had decreased. Sally assured them Duo had not been harmed in certain body parts that had them particularly scared. The amount of spacing out had decreased dramatically as well. There had been no flashbacks present in all that time, no nightmares they knew about, no increase in medication, no failed missions. Duo's humour and flippant attitude had been progressively coming back. Yet… they couldn't help but to feel afraid somehow. There were some odd things they could see, feel, perceive, but Duo never addressed, never gave them the chance to talk about. His eyes never got to shine again. He'd go all tense sometimes at the most random words or actions, flashbacks, they had presumed, but not strong enough to drag him completely away from reality. He'd had some minor panic attacks as well. They could see his carotid artery beating hard, hear the shallow increase of his breath rate, see the flash of a storm quickly pass behind his eyes. And finally, it was the issue he never even tried to walk around the topic, leading the conversation to it as another silly mission. It was taboo.

They had learnt quite soon not to press the matter, as the only time they did it Duo went frantic and locked himself in his damned trailer for so fucking long they actually became scared. They thought it was about giving it time, and letting Duo face whatever had happened there until he could talk to them. They couldn't do much more than support him, and they all knew, from previous experiences, how stubborn Duo was, how much he loved to deal with his own shit all alone thank you very much, but god forbid him to give you space to deal with your own shit, because no-o, that ain't happening.

Duo sat in his office and let his eyes travel to the street down the building. Let his mind wander about his recovery facade. It was going alright so far. Sure, he could have danced around the topic and made it seem as just one more mission gone sour. But it was risky… he was having dreadful nightmares that had him waking up a mess, throwing up every now and then. Too goddamn obvious he wasn't over it to blew his whole act if they went to a mission together and the guys happened to see him like that. Also, he kept having flashbacks, small ones so far, but he feared the moment a big one could come. And then again, having his cover ruined… no, better to make the issue forbidden. Then the guys would never ask questions, so he'd never have to lie to them.

Heero found Duo with his forehead plastered against the window, looking down, obviously lost in thought. It wasn't the first time, but it wasn't such a common sight before that damned mission. He leaned against the door and remained there, waiting, surprised for how long it took to Duo to notice another presence in the room. Granted, it wasn't even a minute, but for gundam pilots, that was a fucking lot.

'Hey' Duo smiled easily, and patted the chair next to him, inviting his friend to take a seat. Heero gave him his own small smile and went to sat in there.

'How are you?'

'oh just fine, you know me. So, what brings you to my humble office?'

'I was thinking we haven't done anything fun for a while. What about a day in the beach?'

'I'd love to. I'm so fucking bored of being a patient. But I have these four mother hens who just don't let me even fucking breathe. Can you believe it? I'll try to sneak away from them so we can have some fun' He winked an eye to Heero who snorted at his act.

'Asshole' He muttered, but it was amused.

The weekend came and Heero went to pick up Duo early in the morning, so they could drive all the way to whichever beach location Heero had chosen. They sat in companionable silence, and even though Heero was kind of surprised Duo didn't make any conversation in those two hours, it wasn't such a rare situation, at least not anymore. He added that notion to the whole puzzle Duo Maxwell was, and to his findings in the self-imposed mission of discovering what the hell happened to his friend in that goddamn mission.

They had a relaxing day, just swimming, drinking beer, foolishing around and engaging in a silly competition, of course suggested and started by Duo, of building sand castles. Then sand gundams, followed by a sand war between the two bloody castles. The fight wasn't over until the tide rose and water reached their creations. Only then they noticed it was already sunset. They walked towards a pointy rock and decided to look at both, the sun going down and the unstoppable destruction of sand castles by water. It was then when it happened.

Duo froze, his mind travelling to that same situation, the awkward deja vu feeling finally making sense. This had happened before… They had sat here, together, in this beach he'd never seen before, in front of sand castles, it had been sunset time… and Duo had just looked at Heero and… the words had left his mouth before he could stop to think about them, about what he was doing. He'd feel so happy about his damned friendship with Heero, so certain they had a strong friendship and dynamic… He'd confessed. He'd blurted 'I love you' and with a wistful smile he'd looked back at the ocean. When the answer never came, he'd dared to look at Heero and the damn rejection and disgust had been so fucking evident. The memory made him hiss in pain. Heero had walked away from Duo that day, he'd distanced. Then, in the peace council meeting, when everything blew and Relena died… His body bent in pain when he remembered the anguish and desperation he'd seen in Heero when it happened, how his Heero had died and the perfect soldier had come back, how he could do nothing for him, because he wasn't wanted anywhere near him… and then, when that mission came, that mission with all of them, and Heero, just like he did with the Libra, positioned himself in front… and then he… Duo started panting and a very quiet moan escaped his lips. He tried to stop it from happening, but he failed. He fucking always failed, and then the content of his guts was all spilled in the sand. He came back to present time then, exhausted. He let his body lean against the warm and safe presence behind him. Only then he noticed the strong arms holding him, only then he listened Heero's voice whispering a quiet 'thank god' before he felt his friend forehead press against the back of his shoulder.

Heero gave him a few minutes to recover before grabbing his chin and forcing him to twist his neck enough to lock their eyes. His piercing stare trying to read Duo's soul, trying to find what the hell had just happened, and cursing to the bloody wall Duo's eyes had become.

'Flashback?' He whispered. Duo nodded, although, he was starting to think that maybe they weren't just that, maybe that was the future awaiting for him, and shit, he couldn't take that future. He had… he had already failed at that part. Heero noticed Duo's frown, he was thinking something hard. Yeah, Duo thought, if he knew what would happen in the future, he was going to make certain to stop it. No one was going to die on him this time, please, please, not this time. Heero felt the increase in his heart rate. 'Duo…' he called, pressing their foreheads together, while subduing his own panic, and thanking all available deities when it worked. Duo was back in front of him.

The way back was quiet again, but Duo could feel the tension emanating from Heero. He tried to dismiss the situation, tried to joke about it, tried to distract, to walk around the issue. But Heero was taking none of it. Instead he just drove directly to Quatre's place, having messaged Wufei on the way. When the car stopped outside his friend's house Duo cursed internally. Well, time to play again, he thought.

Trowa opened the door and let them in, one glance at Heero told him everything he needed to know, and without further conversation he led them to the library where Quatre and Wufei awaited. Duo fidgeted in the door before taking a deep breath and walking in. No one missed his hesitance.

'Duo had a flashback that had him in lots of pain and throwing up his lunch' Heero started, Duo cursed internally, yeah, let it to Heero to blurt things so straightforward it was damned hard to dismiss.

'Duo?' Quatre looked damned horrified and tried to approach him.

'Quat, I'm fine, Heero is being all dramatic because he loves being so, and he is just as much of a mother hen as you all are. I'm not even sure it was a flashback, for all I know it could have been some sort of epileptic episode due to sunset change of light and colours' Now Quatre's eyes were so damn wide I thought they were going to pop out. 'I guess in the next control, which is in a couple of days I'll ask for a full round of exams again. I did had a bullet in my freaking brain.' That seemed to soothe their anxiety, at least regarding Duo's mission, and the pain Heero had seen in him, but leave it to the perfect soldier not to buy your bullshit.

'Wait' Heero said with a calculative stare before they all could leave the room 'since when are so willing to get your head examined?' Duo blocked all frustration from being visible.

'Why Heero, since I had a bullet building a home inside my head' he deadpanned. It seemed to distract them enough, but Heero was still trying to read his damned soul, he could feel those intense eyes stuck in his back all the way to the dining room.


	3. To stop the future 1: When Relena Died

IMPORTANT: now I change to Duo's POV

See notes at the end of the chapter

Of course I asked to the doctors for the exams. I had no intention to do so, no interest whatsoever in said exams, but the guys had trust issues, all gundam pilots have them, mixed with paranoia and fucking meddling, so they'd ask, or hack the hospital system because it was faster. No way they were respecting my privacy, they probably have no fucking idea what privacy means.

But after that, I went straight to planning. I needed to remember all I'd lived in that damned mission. If I let my mind remember I may prevent it all better. But I'm not stupid, I kind of knew it was dangerous. So I better went to my flat, my fully protected flat, where the guys never came because I was always in my now nonexistent ship, or in the trailer. Just for security purposes I locked myself in my room, which by the way is enhanced thanks to protected windows and doors. No noise was to be heard outside. I also tied myself to the bed and snorted to the idea of how far from kinky my actions were right now. Then I felt all depressed by the fact I may never get to find out what my kinks are. Sure, Heero is my main kink, main desire, main fucking love… but the future had spoken, and Heero wasn't to be mine in any freaking way. Pain ripped through my chest. Great, I had to deal with that damned rejection, the bloody death of all dreams and hopes, but couldn't it just be not at the same time I planned to go and delve in the fucking memories that made me try to kill myself? Way to go brain.

Fine, I was a fucking mess, I won't deny it. But I am still a soldier and still have priorities, and right now I had a fucking mission. To protect the guys and Relena, so they could all be super happy and healthy. Then, I could just… dunno, find another way, somehow more effective than a bullet in my brain. Uh yeah, I guess I'll have to deal with me being depressed and with suicidal behaviour at some point as well. Just to be sure I'm not making a mistake. I still believe what I did last time was the right thing to do. I did believe the guys had all died. What I need to convince myself now is to be less dramatic and Shakespearean about not being loved back. Duo, you shouldn't commit suicide just because the only guy you've ever loved doesn't love you back, you are only 20, you may fall in love again... yeah, right. Ok, maybe I honestly don't believe it will ever happen again. Gundam pilots, we are kind of fucked up. But still, if the guys are happy and healthy, wouldn't it be worth to stay? Wouldn't it be better to see the in love Heero? Ouch, shit, that was painful, ok, maybe not the right thought to be having right now. Mission Duo, damn, focus.

So I closed my eyes and let the memories… future visions… drug induced… whatever… come. I will skip everyone my heartbreak when Heero rejected me, no need to go there, no way in hell. Not now at least. So the next big event was the peace council meeting. Damn thing was public and open. It was a security team's nightmare.

'Relena opened the ceremony at 10 am, sharp. She was wearing a nice and formal black dress that gave her an appearance of professionalism and competence. Duo could see the devoted faces in part of the audience, the calculative stares in some others, while he focused on the sounds coming from his communicator. He was bored as fuck of all these peace discourses, they were all the same and did little difference, but people loved Relena, and the fact it was she who said them did seem to make a difference, and that he valued. His eyes traveled around the crowd to make sure no threat was in order, when they stopped in Heero, and he saw it… the devotion in those eyes. He felt a pang of pain so strong he had to clench his fists until his nails bit his palm, until it hurt somewhere else. Yeah, well, damn right his confession had worked shit, but at least he didn't need to lose his friendship as well, now did he? He sighed and lowered his eyes to hide his overpowering emotions. It was then when it happened. Relena finished her speech, but before she could take a step back the ceiling exploded. Heero froze in panic. Duo froze as well just to the unexpected sight of it. No one jumped to protect Relena, she was… crushed, just there. Then hell broke loose. It all started exploding, there was no time to rescue her, no time to see if she was still alive, no time for fucking nothing.

A couple of hours later the people attending the event at been decimated and half of the building was missing. They were sustaining minor physical injuries, but they were internally destroyed. Peace had gone to hell just that fast. The rescue team arrived, it was obviously too late. Relena's limp and bloody body was removed. He looked at Heero with fear pouring from his body, just to see the moment when all humanity left him.'

I woke up standing, in the middle of the mess I'd made of my room. Well, good I went for soundproof of the police would be calling at my door right about now. I had forced my brain to detach the experience and not relieve it completely. I cannot disappear for more than two hours while running to protect lives, to cover civilians, to push debris, and find the invisible enemy. Even though my hands and legs had obviously tried, only out of memory, despite of not going deeper into that part of the past… future, whatever. Still, I can smell fire and blood, hear screams echoing. I let my body fall to the floor and covered my eyes with my hands. I needed to master this, if not they'll see, if they see they'll worry, they'll ask and demand and I cannot… my breath quickened and I just let my back lie on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

Well, first things first, with all this bloody situation I had realised I could take Heero not loving me, could survive… sort of, Heero going full soldier again, painful as fuck, but still… but I couldn't take a world without him on it. And his loss and death had been all my fault. My love killed, my confession started a chain of events, my jealousy stopped me from protecting his love, and that cannot be. Bad Duo, very very bad. I would protect his humanity, his happiness, his love, I would protect the guys, and then, if staying here hurt too much, I'd fucking leave and that's it. It's clear my friendship with Heero wasn't as strong as I thought. The same happened with my relationship with Trowa after Quatre died. Only Wufei, oddly, remained around, even after Sally's… I took a deep breath to steady myself. Don't go there Maxwell, you idiot, you are a soldier with a mission, two missions actually, you need to keep it cool.

So far my plan of making them believe I'm doing great is going smoothly, the last thing I need is them noticing I'm not. That includes Heero never ever jamais realizing I fucking love him. No. One time was humiliating enough. The rest is to protect them, you can do this Maxwell, you take the bullets, push the pretty lady away from the damned building falling all over her. You do it all. You can do it. You are awesome, strong, handsome… and a street rat no one will care or miss enough as long as they have their loved ones around. Don't mention the self-stem contradictory duality, thank you very much.

So, the peace council meeting arrived. The guys went to check the perimeter. I walked straight to the place above the podium, and fuck if I didn't find a goddamn bomb over there. Luckily, the place was closed until we finished our morning check ups before the event. About the 10th security check. Still, they managed to put a bomb. Well, my memory recalls it as many bloody bombs. Of course I had the required equipment with me, so I just turned to my communicator to let the guys know I wanted no one in the room. 'Main hall blocked for access, thank you'.

'Threat?', Heero asked. 'Bomb', was my curt reply.

'Where?'

'Over the podium', I heard him curse.

'Timer?'

'Distance detonator'

'I'm sending a team'

'No need. I have the equipment with me'

'You are not wearing a protection suit'

'I couldn't fit in here if I was wearing one Yuy. Now shut it and let me do my job'

'Duo…'

'I can still hear you…' I sang, and he finally shut it. Now, I had to focus and do this right, or I was done and no one could protect my friends then. This is one of the nice abilities I'm ever thankful G. gave me. Not five minutes later, the bomb was just a useless gadget in my hand. I closed my eyes and tried to remember exactly what other sections of the ceiling exploded. At the memory of the destruction the emotional connection, no idea why so strong, activated, and I couldn't stiffen the wince of pain in time.

'Duo?¡' The almost panicked edge of Heero's voice made me feel an entirely different type of pain. But I was more in control now. I got out of that part of the ceiling and went into the next, and just as expected, another bomb. 'Status!' Heero barked, I had completely forgotten to answer when he called my name.

'Another bomb. Different section of the ceiling'

'That's it, we are going in there to help'

'You are doing nothing of the sorts, I'm doing fine, I'll be done in less than five and I'll check this whole damned ceiling after', He grunted and seemed about to replicate, so I cut him 'Better make sure Relena doesn't come in here to practice or anything like that any time soon'.

I felt better when I had fifteen devices in my hands, 15 explosions I recalled. Still I double checked the whole damned ceiling just in case something had changed, or my memory wasn't as precise as I wanted to believe it was. The guys and the commander cursed when I walked to the surveillance room with all the tiny bombs in my pockets.

'I checked the entire ceiling, and I'm certain there are no more bombs in there. But I cannot be sure about the rest of the building. What do we do?'

'It's about time this starts. We could postpone… but then…' the commander hesitated, Relena took the chance.

'No, let's do it. If we stop now just because of a minor threat…' I hissed, minor? If you only knew young lady, 'they will question our power, and that may just as well ruin peace. We won't bend that easily. This place has been checked countless times, Duo just dismantled that threat. I honestly doubt something else could go wrong'

'Relena, that's too naive', I tried to make her understand 'They -whoever they are- maybe hid some bombs under the podium for all I know. We cannot risk your life or anyone's by that matter, just to make sure we look super strong'

'There are things Duo Maxwell where not only good work and efficiency matter, sometimes the image does to', That stopped me from retorting, had she just insulted me?

'Next time someones die at one of your events, it's on your shoulders instead of mine then', I spat and left the room. Quatre let a shocked gasp escape, and Heero called my name in what surely sounded like anger, the man was utterly pissed with me. Well, I don't fucking care. I can protect her and give you to her you moron, but that doesn't mean I have to take her insults and her guilt. Suddenly I was feeling so… raw and small. God, my emotional stability had gone to hell since that mission, and I just couldn't seem to find my balance anymore. One second I'm all about protecting her, the next one I'm all about bitching with her. What comes next?

Of course what came next was that something blew from behind the stage. Damned woman and her damned image and pride. The explosion was on the side Heero was covering, and, of course, it made part of the ceiling crack and fall. But I was ready, I couldn't see Heero freezing, but I didn't need to wait for it to happen. Before the debris could as much as touch Relena's hair I had pushed her out of the way. But when the next explosion came she was still lying on the floor, and I had only one option left. I placed myself in all fours in top of her, biting my lips to avoid any grunt of pain from coming out when the building structure fell over us. My back receiving most of the damage, but something managed to make a cut in the right side of my face. Blood started dripping then. Relena stared at me shocked and wide-eyed. Luckily, the explosions stopped then. I could just hope there were no civilians dead, and the guys had received no impact or damage at all.

There was no need to wait for the rescue team of course. Apparently as soon as Heero saw the building falling on us the perfect soldier -oh yeah, the one capable of blending damned gundamiun- took the lead. By the time the useless rescue team arrived he and the guys had taken most of the structure from above us. I didn't allow myself to think, just to be grateful, because I had not much strength left, and I was bleeding from somewhere in my back as well.

'I'm afraid that pretty dress won't be useful anymore', I apologized. Relena shook his head.

'I'm so sorry…'

'It's ok, you were thinking about peace above all, I was thinking about your security above all. It's nice you can put peace even over yourself Relena, we just need to find a better balance, don't you think?' I smiled tentatively, she made the effort and tried to smile back.

'Relena!', I heard Heero calling, and stifled the envious sigh, envy is bad kiddies, don't do that.

'I'm fine!' She shouted back. The pace of their work only increased.

'Duo?' That was Wufei, was I wrong to feel so disappointed because Heero never asked for me?

'Can you answer for me please?' I looked at Relena straight in her eyes, 'Tell them I'm fine as well, but if I shout I'll use my muscles, and right now I need to keep them right where they are'. She nodded in understanding.

'He is fine, bleeding from a cut in the face and somewhere from the back. He cannot talk right now'

'Why not?' I felt the anxiety in Wufei's voice.

'He is holding the damaged structure'

'He is what?! Shit…' Ok, apparently the guys could work faster, because in less than fifteen minutes there was a whole and proper light entered our small cavern. When the space was big enough I told Relena to ask them to stop. She did so and waited for further instructions.

'You need to crawl out from here, ok? It's safer, and you can calm the scared people being out there'

'But Duo…'

'They want to see you are alright. And the guys won't be able to get me out of here for a while. It's my body was is supporting this from falling over us right now. If I so much as falter we'll be crushed', Her eyes widened in understanding. I didn't want to be so explicit, but I needed her to understand and to let me protect her.

'What the fuck is going on in there', Sweet Wufei, always so pissy when he is concerned. Relena gave me a final glance and crawled out. I heard her explaining the situation.

'No Heero, I'm fine, this is not my blood'. It hurt, and I wasn't prepared, my arms trembled and something fell, the space they had opened was closed again, and around me everything was darkness. I heard them call my name, but I couldn't answer. I had faltered just for a second when I heard Relena and Heero communicating, I couldn't allow that to happen again, or I wouldn't be ready to fight the next battle. I needed to protect Quatre and Trowa as well.

So I waited, trying to block all thoughts, all memories, all feelings, I waited until the rescue team started working and removing the damned building from my back, I was no fucking Atlas (1). I tried not to feel a thing when it took hours instead of minutes. I tried not to feel a thing when they took me out and Heero wasn't there waiting to see if I was alright. I just went quietly with Sally, exhausted, and drained, and did everything she asked from me in the medical check up. Then I let the guys take me wherever they wanted. They chose Quat's place. I had received a good hit in my head, and there was the danger of me being concussed. I was supposed to remain awake all night, they intended to take shifts, I only wanted to be alone. I felt like I'd been ripped apart, and it wasn't because of the damned building. I felt as if all the times I'd reached for Heero worth nothing, and I barely had the energy to stop the bitterness to eat at me. This pain hadn't been part of my precogmare. I had seen Heero reject me disgusted, and die for Relena, I hadn't seen him not give a shit about me at all, especially when my oh so disgusting feelings hadn't been revealed.

'Duo?' I turned and faced Wufei, 'what's wrong?'

'Tired' I mumbled.

'It's more than that. Don't try to deny it'

'It's been a kind of stressing long day'

'Well, that's true enough'. He got closer, and his warmth made me feel somewhat better. For a minute I felt so happy of having Wufei, the only one who remained so close, so faithful, so strong when everything else went straight down to hell… But then it hit me, he had died too. The last one, my only comfort, the last person I loved in a world where everyone else left me, the only one who knew, eventually, after finding me a complete mess one day, how much I loved Heero Yuy. The pain was so striking that the only option was to shut my own brain down. The last thing I remember is Wufei panicked face calling my name.

Notes:

(1) Atlas is a Titan in the Greek mythology. He was condemned by Zeus to hold the world, the sky, or heaven. It depends on the version you read how they translate it.


	4. To stop the future 2: When Heero died

I woke up in bed. It mustn't have been long because only Wufei was with me, and there was no stupid machine connected to my body, thanks for that. He looked frightened beneath that solid composed attitude he always managed in critical situations. He probably thought my concussion was more serious of what I told.

'I'm…', I started.

'If you say fine I'll punch you once you recover', that shut me. I'm not fond of being hit, no thanks.

'...awake?' I gave him a lopsided grin, and managed an amused snort. Well, that's better.

'Asshole.'

'The rest?'

'Never got to call them, you passed out not ten minutes ago. If you made it 15 I was waking up everyone.'

'Hey, no need to call the commander, or make Quatre's staff lose some sleep hours', He chuckled, yep, we are improving here.

'You are well aware I meant Winner, Barton and Yuy.'

'Heero?' He looked at me in confusion. 'Why Heero?'

'Well, he is here of course, his turn is later though.'

'Oh', Was all I managed to say, he gave me an inquisitive stare.

'You thought he wasn't?'

'Assumed so, I mean, there's no need for everyone to be here, it's just a silly concussion. You should go home too for example. Go be with Sally or do something useful with your time.'

'Don't say it's something silly Duo, you just passed out.'

'Can happen. Besides I'm tired, I was hours trapped there you know?'

'I still find it impressive.'

'You should have more faith in my skills.'

'You shouldn't be needing to do something like that. Well, at least Relena truly learnt to be cautious this time.'

'Let's hope so, now shoo, go away.'

'Maxwell…', He grunted, but I was a man with a mission. I wanted to get away from Wufei, get some distance, maybe that could help and save him. Just, don't go spilling your guts to them Duo, that's easy enough, right?

'I can sleep between Trowa and Quatre if that makes you feel better.'

'Not sure they'd agree with that', A much loved voice mumbled from the door and I stilled. Heero was there, leaning against the wall. 'I heard your voice', he said to Wufei's questioning expression. 'What happened?'

'Maxwell passed out', I cursed internally, no way of having many secrets with these guys around. Not a blink later Heero was in front of me, grabbing my chin and forcing our eyes to meet. I was shocked by the emotions I saw there. I couldn't understand what I was seeing but it hurt me and felt the urge to protect him at the same time. I just closed myself to him. It was my need to protect myself, to be ready to fight and be a soldier, what took control. Heero let go an exasperated growl. I guess he noticed my defenses coming up. But damn if I'll ever let him see…

'How's your head?' He asked.

'Fine, I was saying to Wufei I'm just tired. I was hours in the same position, that's all.' Heero's hands shook as if they wanted to do something and he forced them back to his own volition. He made no noise, but I saw his lips moving, he was repeating my words 'hours'.

'And your back?'

'Ok for now, they gave me painkillers, tomorrow is going to be sore as fuck. But I don't think is anything more serious than that. Like a good few hours in the gym lifting or whatever.' He kept staring at me with the same intensity, I started to feel uncomfortable. 'How's Relena?' Way to go me, distract Heero, let's talk about something that makes me grimace and regret I opened my mouth instantly, yay!

'Shocked but fine. I think this was a healthy experience for her after all. I just wish it didn't meant you getting this hurt in the process.' Before that damned mission I'd be ecstatic by such comment. Now it only hurt. I was being unfair and I know it. I know he cares for me… it's just… I wish it was deeper, ok? a more solid kind of caring, one that even if he doesn't love me back didn't mean he'd hate me. But I knew my answer already, and I'd never do the same to him or any of my friends. It immediately meant his feelings were not as deep as mine, not even in the friendship realm. I felt the need to guard my emotions around him even further.

'Well, if this helps her to learn to be cautious I'm more than ok with it.'

'Yeah', He mumbled, Ouch. Well, apparently knowing I need to protect myself better means protecting myself better. God but I was tired of building walls and see them crumble.

The rest of the night went peacefully. Especially when it was Trowa's and Quatre' turn to deal with me. Sure, they stared at me, frowned and such, but kept their opinions to themselves. The next morning I was allowed to go home again, and knowing I had to bring my next precogmare back I went straight to my flat. After Relena died it was the mission where Heero positioned himself in front of… and he… I had to take a deep breath and clench my fists to stop my hands from trembling. But with the change of scenery it was better to be prepared for both the mission and the following attack to Quatre. So I closed the door and restrained myself again.

'The rebels were surrounding us, and one of them laughed about Relena being finally dead, he called her a whore, and I, afraid Heero was gonna lose it anytime now went for the bastard. I managed to shut him up, forever, but that made the rest of the crowd mad and they started firing as if there was no tomorrow. Well, good. We could deal with them, avenge Relena, bring Heero back, oh please, bring Heero back. My eyes traveled to him without my wanting and distracted as I was I only noticed the enemy when they were already over Wufei. I jumped to protect him, and shot as many motherfuckers as I could, but they were too many. I was ready to receive the hit when a shadow crossed before me. His warm blood sputtered over me. He fell in my arms. I begged for it to be a nightmare. I saw his smile, his relieved smiled, and my heart shattered. When he died in my arms the pain was so strong it cut my breathing. I felt tears wanting to fall and I swallowed them back.'

I came back with a gasp and a curse, tears in my eyes again. Tears I never let fall. The restraints I had improvised were again nothing more than trash barely hanging from my wrists, without sparing them a glance I walked into the toilet and threw my guts out. My knees felt weak and I fell to the floor. I let my head fall back until it was leaning in the border of my tub and closed my eyes tiredly. Then I forced myself up again and this time used a pair of handcuffs. There was just so much damage the room could take I guess. I closed my eyes again after tying myself up.

'Quatre had been crying. I could see his puffy eyes. He was the only one of us voicing his grief for Heero. The rest of us were just too shell shocked to act it out. He had looked at me many times as if wanting to say something. That day he did it, he grabbed my hand and took me away from the crowd.

'Duo… I know.' I froze. 'I see and I feel and I know.' I turned to face him so fast I thought I was going to break my neck but, before I could say anything Leos appeared outside the building, tons of them, and we had no fucking gundams. Shit. They started making a swiss cheese of the property. I tried to push Quatre away, but he got a bullet in the stomach before we were properly hidden. I did my best to stop the blood, but we had to keep moving, we had to get to Trowa and Wufei, we had to find protection and weapons and fight the enemy. I killed everyone who dared getting close to us, everyone who dared point at Quatre, and I carried him when he couldn't keep running, I tossed grenade after grenade until I had no more with me. Trowa reached us then, his eyes panicked when he caught Quatre' state. He grabbed him and started running to the next hiding place, I followed. Once there, he handed me more weapons and he started re-bandagging Quatre. I did my best, I managed to destroy a couple of Leos with a simple glock, never thought something like that was even possible. I heard Trowa curse and my eyes slipped to Quatre. The amount of blood was horrifying. Then I looked back to the field and I saw the canyon pointed straight to our cover. I yelled at them and grabbed them to jump to a new cover, the laser shone, burning hot, we fell behind a car, Trowa next to me, Quatre on top of him… dead.'

The cuffs left some nice bruises in my wrists after breaking them in the middle of my precogmare. I had a small cut as well, some small drops of blood falling slowly in my trashed floor. I was glad I had puked all I had before, I had nothing else in my stomach. I just stayed there, sat in the floor, my head hanging between my knees, my arms covering it. I wanted to crawl away from that world. God, I didn't want to see them dead anymore. Not anymore. I forced my ass up again and went to my trailer to take a shower. I had to go to work the next day, better to be ready. But I knew I was a ghost more than anything else, given the odd looks I received from people in the streets. I felt exhausted, drained and… haunted by this knowledge. By the time I got to my trailer I was swaying and my eyelids closing on their own. God, I needed to rest. I opened the door of the trailer with the hope of falling into my bed… until four startled gasps brought my alertness back. Before I could ask myself what the fuck someone was holding my wrists, and other someone was behind my back, holding most of my weight. I let my body relax again, my soldier instincts knew I was safe, they were people I know. Besides I was beyond caring. I let them drag me to my bed and I fell asleep before noticing.

I woke up knowing I had overdone it in the past two days for both my body and my mind. Being finally rested brought my normal instincts back in shape and I just knew I wasn't alone in the room. In fact, I could very distinctly feel the guys and where in my trailer they were. So I just sighed and opened my eyes, refraining my body from flinching when their livid glares focused on me.

'What the hell happened to you yesterday Maxwell?' Wufei hissed. Dear Wufei, always so concerned. My eyes may have given something out because his expression changed from rage to full blown concern, and his voice lowered to a soft whisper, 'Duo, please?' Not fair, someone as strong as Wufei should never plead.

'I was just tired, very very tired. But now I had proper sleep and I'm all fine again. Promise.'

'That's not answering the question.' Heero pointed out. As if I wasn't expecting it. Honestly, I have no idea how to dismiss this, but well, cannot be bothered right now. It was odd how much better I felt seeing them alive around me.

'Yeah yeah, dunno if you guys remember but I was kind of crashed by a building the day before yesterday, my body is still tired, I still have new bruises appearing all over, and muscles I had no idea existed are hurting. Besides I wasn't allowed to sleep because of some silly concussion. So, I was exhausted and bruised and drained and that's pretty much it.'

'But your wrists…' Quatre started. I removed my sleeve for them to see.

'I know. It's like I was playing kinky with some cuffs and all. Sadly that's not why I have these beauties, and it's far to ingrained in me to release me from any sort of holding to play around with handcuffs. But well, like all the other bruises they'll disappear in a few days.' They seemed to deflate. I was giving them some vulnerability and I felt a bit shitty for using it as I knew it wasn't all true and how it'll work. That's the good thing of being a stubborn asshole. Heero just directed his intensity to me but kept it shut, and for that I'm glad. Once he starts with someone there's almost no way of shaking his questions off.

So I wasn't surprised but indeed disappointed when the commander came with the damn file for the mission. Rebels and jungle and damned if I didn't know what awaited us there. I took extra ammo, because I knew I'll need it, I even grabbed a few grenades that I didn't bother to inform the commander. No need for her to know everything I do I guess. I hoped now that Relena wasn't dead that Heero wouldn't be that suicidal. But still, Heero had died protecting me, at the end of the day it was always my fault and now I intended to correct that. I wasn't taking any risks, not with Heero's life at stake.

As expected, we went into the damned jungle, and yes, we were surrounded by the damned enemy. Sure the position they took wasn't exactly the same, the place didn't look the same either, which I found odd, but made sense at the same time. Heero wasn't a full soldier again, and I had changed our strategy as much as I dared, of course the future could change, that's what I intended to accomplish after all. But it hadn't changed all I wanted just yet, and I was prepared when they tried to surround us. I didn't spare a glance to check on Heero's mental state. I knew my friend was still here. No one jumped to brag about having killed Relena, as she was alive. When the enemy split I was fully prepared and I walked away from the guys and into the woods, I'd take the bastards from behind as well. Fuck Wufei and his honourable fighting.

I approached the motherfuckers, I saw them gather and discuss the strategy, I heard them plan to aim at Wufei and Trowa first given their positions, but then I heard something I wasn't expecting and almost froze me. Now they were certain all five of use were here, they had sent a small group straight to Relena. It was a gold opportunity to take her down with her perfect bodyguard damned far away. I waited no longer. I killed them, and then ran and shot dead the guys who targeted Trowa, who only blinked to me surprised to find me even there. I had no time to shoot dead all the bastards that were going for Wufei, but I knew better.

'01 at nine, 05 at three.' That'd keep them busy. That gave me enough time to kill all but one, and when he fired, Heero was meters away from me. The bullet went through my thigh. Shit this was uncomfortable.

'Duo!' I heard Wufei calling me. But I had no time for this. Relena, I need to get there first. So I ran, blocking my mind from feeling the pain, ran until I found the storage place of the motherfuckers we just dispatched and jumped into a bike, driving full speed back into town. Hell if I know how fast I was driving. Hell if I cared. I only needed to make it alive. That was all, get to Relena, protect her again. Make sure she is fine and healthy. Make sure Heero can have his happy ending given I won't ever have mine. The thought hurt, but I stored that with all my shit and kept driving.

I made is just on time. I saw the bastards sneak into Relena's place. I jumped from the bike straight into her second floor, and broke the window in at the same time I heard the thing crashed against a wall. I hope she won't get mad for all the property damage, although I couldn't give more of a fuck if she did. As soon as I got in I realized I'd managed to find her room, and she shrieked in surprise. I cursed internally and gestured her to hide and keep it quiet. Of course she needed to ask why and what and how are you before doing what she was told. And of course her shriek had informed the enemy where she was. I honestly had the time to sigh before jumping into action again, removing her from her position right in time to avoid all the damn bullets. Well, all but one that found a home in my already wounded leg. Apparently since that damned mission bullets had something for me. Shit. I pushed her in the toilet, slammed the door shut and turned to the enemy. About ten fully powered assholes against me minus a leg. Well, property damage be damned. I tossed the grenade and went to hide with Relena behind her massive tube. She shrieked again to the explosion. I made sure only I was covered in debris. Then I went back out and counted the bodies. I was missing two.

'Stay there.' I ordered and went to play hide and seek with the assholes. I had to kill one, the other one was injured and in pain. I managed to restrain him then and pointed my glock to his face. 'Any more of you around?'

'No. I swear. Get me a doctor, please.'

'Soon. First I want answers. Who the fuck are you and what the hell is all this.'

'We…' I saw it in his eyes, he was going to give me the damned rehearsed speech. Not what I wanted. I put my feet in his bleeding gut and pressed. He cried and panted when I released the pressure. '... got paid', he amended. 'Some guys came and gave us the whole strategy. We were a small rebel group before that, but they gave us the guns and a plan that seemed good enough to work. We had to try to get the head of the bitch's security and her down. It was part of the deal but also what we wanted to do anyway.'

'Who paid you?'

'I don't know. A guy with long black hair,' an image flashed behind my eyes and I felt a flashback coming, I forced myself to present time with so much strength it physically hurt. 'Cash.'

'Any evidence?'

'The documents with the strategy are in a locker our boss holds inside the central bank next to preventers HQ.' I cursed loudly. Of course everyone felt that branch was way too secure to check it or add any extra protection. 'Help, please.' I took my phone to call for an ambulance, but before pressing the buttons I froze. These bastards held answers but they had also brought so much fucking pain. They had specifically tried to kill Heero and Relena, they had tried to destroy the only reason why I kept fighting, why I decided to keep living. I despised them so much, so badly I was shaking. Rage, blind rage overpowered me, and a desire of revenge I hadn't felt in ages. Oh god, I thought I was free from it, why can I not… will I ever… ? A hand snatched my phone and I heard a familiar voice calling for two ambulances. Two? I started panicking until I remember I was hurt too. Just to be certain I turned to see the guys, scanning them. They were safe, I almost cried in relief, perfectly fucking fine and healthy.

I hadn't killed them again. God, I knew this was far from over, but just for now I allowed my body to feel the happiness of having them still around me, I had to take my chance, because after I was done with all the threats I was leaving them. It was just an idea, not a made decision, not until I saw Relena coming out from the house and jumping straight into Heero's arms, who catch her and… and fucking hugged her, and I felt something inside me snap, tear and break all in the same moment. I knew right then that I wasn't ready to see it happening. I'd give my life for them, but I wasn't staying to see Heero and Relena build the happy family, not until I could be certain I wasn't dangerous for them anymore, not until I was certain I could look at Heero and not to feel the sharp stab of his disgusted face.

My thoughts were interrupted by Trowa, who handed me my phone back and directed an intense questioning stare in my direction. I played oblivious, and felt his eyes on me even after the ambulance had arrived and Sally was checking my bloodied leg. Wufei seemed about to burst again, Quatre hovered around me for a while, but now he was with Heero who again, had gone straight to Relena and remained there even after Sally took me to the hospital. Wufei being the one going with me. I thought for a second how much suitable it'd be for me to be in love with him instead, but then I remembered Sally and I recognised it was a bad idea. Besides, I didn't need the extra stress at work. Can you imagine the risk I'd be as a lover and a partner? The thought depressed me though, there was nothing I could be except a close friend, and they'd be walls even against that as my precogmare efficiently showed me.


	5. Changing the future: To protect them all

I'm glad to say the trip to the hospital was uneventful. Sure, the ambulance was dripping tension when Sally got me out, and she directed a weird glance at Wufei that told me he wasn't being subtle about his unhappiness towards my behaviour. Luckily she didn't ask, and I think Wufei was keeping it quiet because she and the ambulance driver were there as well. You gotta love gundam pilots recognition of privacy towards outsiders. They should have some of it inside the group as well.

Sally patched me up quite nicely and then I was left alone to the mercy of my cellar. Wufei directed a very intense glance towards me, and kept it locked with my own eyes for a long time, before sighing and sitting down. Shit.

'How do you feel?'

'Way better than after the falling building issue.' His sharp eyes travelled to mine again, ups, sensible topic.

'Not yet Maxwell, not after what happened today.'

'Fine, but you take all the fun from it.'

'Yeah well, you know me, I cringe to fun.' That actually made me smile, and he relaxed a bit.

'Care to explain what happened?'

'You gonna be my manager or should I wait until the guys arrive? Kind of dislike the idea of repeating myself.'

'We are here already', I stiffened to the coldness in Heero's voice.

'How's Relena?' Yeah I know, I'm a fucking masochist.

'A bit shocked, but well enough. She told us her side of the story, and she is not remotely pissed about the property damage', I sighed in obvious relief and I got them to smile a bit, double win. 'She was more concerned about your leg, and told us to thank you for saving her life again. She added she's trying to learn to postpone her manners according to the needs of the situation.' That actually made me laugh.

'Good she is finally learning', I thought, and only when Trowa snorted I realized I had said it out loud. I glanced around, but it seemed safe enough, even Heero looked a bit less serious.

'So?' Wufei prompted.

'So, I noticed the bastards split in the jungle and I went to see what the hell. They had this plan of attacking specifically Wufei and Trowa while dividing in two groups. At the same time, they talked about a small fraction that, after confirmation the five of us were there, had to go and get Relena. I didn't had the time to explain, So I shot as many people as I could to prevent them from harming anyone, ran to their hangar and took a bike. No idea what speed I drove but I arrived just on time. The bastards were getting inside her state then. That's pretty much it.'

'Couldn't you share some of that?'

'At the time? not really, was kind of focused on the mission.'

'You and your damn tendency to work alone. We are partners for a reason, you know?'

'So the commander can set a permanent babysitter for less money?' Wufei smacked my shoulder for that, but he was almost smiling, I was safe.

'Now', uh? Trowa's tone made chills run through my spine. 'what happened with the rebel you managed to capture alive?' Oh fuck.

'What do you mean?' Diversion was pretty much the only option I had.

'You froze before calling an ambulance, and I'm pretty certain you pressed his wound to get some information.' Ok, that was a cheap maneuver, he saw it all and was testing waters, not nice at all. But well, he got me there, and just like Heero, he knows damn well that straightforward is the only way of perhaps making me actually talk. As if.

'I didn't freeze, I was thinking about what was actually the best next step. He wasn't seriously wounded, it was just painful. I'm pretty certain he'd never taken a hit before. And yeah, I put some pressure because he was giving me the rehearsed tale, and damn if I was risking any other bomb or attack or whatever. I'm not particularly fond of taking some damage, you know?' They pondered my answer, and I was just hoping it made sense and the guy's wound wasn't serious as I just said, or I'd be called on it. Luckily it didn't happen. They seemed to give up then and gave me a much needed break. After that it was companionable conversation, a few jokes and just falling asleep feeling quite content despite my injuries.

It didn't last. The nightmares took a hold of me again. The pleasant feeling I had right before sleeping didn't satisfy the Shinigami in me, and he took the time to remind me of the consequences of it, of the dangers and perhaps the falsehood. It all started with a sensation of restlessness, anxiety, and the oppressing darkness came in. A spark, a flame, shed some light and a distorted path appeared in front of me. It looked like a small stream of water, shining darkly, and despite I couldn't see anything else around, shapes danced reflecting in the water, only it was too thick to be real water… blood, shit, nightmare. The good thing is that it never takes long to realize I'm in the middle of a nightmare, and with that I could also notice the shitty timing.

I guess my awareness increased the anxiety levels, because suddenly the small flame became a huge fire. When my eyes recovered from the blinding light I took a look around, not really surprised but pained by the sight of the bodies. Relena was alive though, and so was Heero. But Quatre… oh god, Quatre. It looked like an execution, next to him Trowa looked… like a fucking mess, as if he'd fought and resisted and taken the beating of his life, and he'd lost. Wufei was next to them, tired, distant, cold. His eyes met mine and I winced in pain to the hate in them. The future was changing, and I was certain, just saving Heero and Relena wasn't enough. I couldn't take the death of my two friends, nor the hate of the only one who had stayed with me, of my partner, one of the few people I could… I… my throat felt dry and raw all of the sudden. I tried to reach for Wufei, tried to explain, but before I could approach him something shone and blinded me, a gunshot, a sniper, and Wufei was gone. His eyes full of hate bore a hole in my soul. I felt guilty, most of all because this time I had been able to survive it, I hadn't fought desperately, I hadn't tried to kill myself in this world without them.

I woke up then. It took me a couple of minutes to notice there was a soothing hand in my shoulder. I looked next to me to find Heero and Wufei there. Guilt trip? Sure, on the way.

'Nightmare?'

'Think so.'

'What about?'

'Not sure, did I do something?'

'You… complained, and shook your head. Nothing serious, but we didn't want to wait and see how it developed.'

'Makes sense', I yawned 'Damn I'm tired. I think I'll try to sleep again.'

'Sure', Heero said, his warm hand travelled from my shoulder to my forearm 'We are in charge now, go to sleep.' I wanted to curse out loud when that worked perfectly, and I was sound asleep in a few minutes. I woke up the next morning, no nightmares this time.

As rested as I woke up the next morning, the pain in my leg wasn't all that bad. So I had time for a new worry in my mind. I had protected Heero and Relena. However the princess had almost died twice. Did it meant that I needed to be protecting them all at the same time now? Relena would be threatened a third time, Heero a second while Quatre a first? Well shit, that'd be bad. Not like it will ever deter me, but still, shit.

It was about Quatre now. Of course the situation had changed. We were not at war so no one was going to attack his house with mobile suits. I also had the extra information of documents in the security boxes in the bank branch close to headquarters. Which box? no fucking idea, and just the thought of trying opening them all gave me a headache. I could do it, surely, but I'd need time and in a highly secure bank what you don't have is time. So I needed a new plan, one in which my memories wouldn't help. Cannot say if I was happy or sad about it, I mean, at least I don't have to relive that… I shuddered to the memory of the nightmare I had the previous night. No, I don't want more of that.

My thoughts were interrupted by the door, when Quatre arrived, joined by Trowa of course. I guess it was the turn of my new babysitters. He looked at me with concern, so he knows about the nightmare, it didn't left me much options, I beamed at him, and his frown eased accordingly. Trowa of course was harder to distract. His gaze just became more inquisitive. I'm so fucking glad he is not my partner in Preventers, he wouldn't let me get away with all the shit I do.

'How are you feeling today?'

'Way better, no pain in my leg and I had a great night of sleep.' Quat frowned again, sure thing he knew about my nightmare. Privacy? no? what for.

'Duo…'

'Yeah I can see in your face Heero and Wufei told you I had a nightmare, I had one, but after that I slept soundly. Didn't even notice when they left the room.' His eyes cleared, and he chose to just sit down and start his own medical screening of my condition. I was way more concerned about Trowa's psychological screening. I don't know if I'm glad or terrified he doesn't talk more.

Two days later I was back in my trailer. Sadly the babysitting timetable hadn't relaxed all that much. I guess I deserve it as I have scared them a lot lately. But honestly, this is not what I need right now. How can I protect them if they are asphyxiating me? The good thing is that the bruises have almost all faded, and the damaged tissue of the building incident it almost fully healed. After that I'm pretty certain the mother-henning tendencies will decrease. I don't hold my hopes high though, so whenever I'm alone I plan, I try to remember faces, and I stop flashbacks before they become too serious and the guys can notice.

Five days after being released from the hospital I finally get enough freedom to go to the bank. It's just a small walk from my office, and no one could consider it odd as many agents go there to leave or take out some money, investments or whatever. I, for one, have never been there before. I don't go as an agent though. I go as a bodyguard. I suit up and all, hide the braid and walk in ready to find out how to open the security box of 'my boss', an asshole I captured a couple of weeks ago in full secrecy and who used to ran a group of rebels importing and exporting weaponry. He was so full of himself that he used to have a driver, a limo, covered in gold like a Christmas tree, you know, the whole damn stereotype. I kind of missed the gold tooth and the foreign accent. Too many movies I guess. Under any circumstance, I had his key (just stolen yesterday), and his password (hacked before capturing him but I hadn't paid much attention to it as I never thought I could use it for something).

Everything went alright for the first five minutes. The receptionist in the bank bought it, and I had all the mandatory evidence with me. The first floor security guard did as told. The tricky part started once I was taken down to the security guards in charge of the boxes. They wanted to do a full body search. If they find the braid I'm done, so of course I forbid it, that's not the way they treat their clients, and I know that because of course I've been with my boss in our security boxes in other banks in other kingdoms and the colonies, yeah, sure, because in L2 we have things like that, ha. That wasn't particularly hard though, no, the problem was a triggering memory to one of the faces in that crowd. A chill travelled through my spine, and I knew this was bad. My vision fogged and tunneled. But I forced it to come back. I wasn't blowing this chance, no way in fucking hell. So one of them was there, good, I'll deal with him later, later Duo for fucks' sake. Now focus! I try to slowly breath in and out and almost cheer when I manage to keep myself controlled. I'm also glad the disguise works, because I don't see signs of recognition in that bastard. Good. After that, I was inside the security room all alone.

Now I have to confess I did something very bad. I sneaked inside the detention facility of Preventers inside the hospital, where the fucker who gave me some info was still in recovery. Let's say I had to apply some force in order to find out some more about this particular security box. It led me to one fucker who had escaped and was some sort of boss of them. He was, funny enough, easier to break. And I'm glad because I didn't need to resort to the means I hate those fuckers for using. I'm damned sure I'll feel bad about it later, once the danger over my friends is over. But fuck it, I can deal with my guilt trip then. For now the guys are my priority. I already failed at surviving in a world without them.

After that little detour to see a couple of motherfuckers, I had managed to get the number of the box, even the access key. However, as I mentioned earlier, I used the key from another case. I don't want the enemy to know I'm here just yet. Now let me explain a little something. These banks work in the following way: I say the box number I come to see, they retire the internal protection system of that box and that box only, so then, with the key, I can open it. If I try to open a different box, even if I have the key, just like now, it will be electronically blocked and I will be surrounded by guards before I finish saying 'fuck'. Now, as I know this, I hacked the system before hand, and now I just had to activate the code. If I'd done that earlier they could have noticed and be alert. As most of the security staff is waiting outside for me, they probably won't notice shit. You need to be a very good and fast hacker to do so, and with the massive size of their multi security screen, you need many eyes. In consequence, before doing shit I needed to block the signal that let the assholes outside this room know what am I doing. After that, it was easy enough to find and open the box I really wanted, where all I found was a damned envelope. I uses the small scanner I brought with me and sent all the content to my laptop without a spare look. I cannot afford to get distracted now, I'll check the content later, at home.

Of course I haven't forgotten about the guy in the bank that matched perfectly some of the images I had from my last trip to hell. But I needed to properly remember what the fuck, so I only tagged him. I wanted to know where was he going and what was he doing. But it wasn't my time to directly follow him. I didn't want to fall in another trap like that dreadful mission. It had cost me too much.

No, what I did was to go back to the office as normal, spend the rest of my day working as if it was any other random day, acting as if I had no relevant information whenever the guys came to see me. I even invited Wufei to have dinner with me when he dropped me home, and cooked him some nice curry. Then he was gone, and I was free to deal with my own little self.

Step one was to leave the trailer again and go to my much ruined flat. You know the deal so I'll spare it this time. Suffice to say that I know now who the fucker is, and what he did. Hate boiled in my blood as it hadn't done in so fucking long. I wanted to kill again, and before that, I was more than willing to torture him for all information he could give me. Guilt be damned. I'm a war orphan, child soldier and teenage terrorist, and for once I'm willing to let it all control me. He had staged it, Wufei's death. Maybe even Quatre's death. No more, not this time.

However I didn't go chasing him immediately, I had documents to check in my personal laptop. So I sat in the living room of a flat I rarely used and opened the files I'd gathered that morning. It was good I had nothing on this flat, or I would have choked in the tea I'd be drinking in the trailer. The fucking documents were a plot… a plan to murder Relena and Quatre. So it was true, every murder I stopped only meant fighting to protect them all at the same time now.

Suddenly I was exhausted. Not like I will ever stop, but… is there a stop point? after I save them all -yes I know, I'm not giving myself the option to fail- will it stop? Or will it be fighting for their lives all at the same time all the freaking time? Well, at least that leaves my questions about suicide outside of it. I won't give up on them, hence I cannot give up on me. Besides, if they are still alive I have no reason to give up either.

I gave me just five minutes to dwell in how tiresome life can be. Then I was back to planning. The bastards wanted to kill Relena and Quatre in a diplomatic visit they had planned to stage in two weeks. They intended to surround their ship and wreck it. Well, that's fucking effective, no way they can survive in space, and we don't have our mobile suits again. I don't even have my ship anymore. Good thing I can chase the bastard from the bank and find out some more. I had the when, what and how. I just needed to find their ships, and get myself a new one fully charged and filled in weaponry to act as a shield. Well, time to ask for favours.


	6. To stop the future 3: To fight for all

I left Quatre's place with a smile, and had to bite my lip not to go laughing on the street to his face when I asked him to help me buy a new ship. I knew exactly what I wanted and had part of the money, but hey, ships ain't cheap. He gave me the whole thing as a birthday present for the first 20 years of my life. I accepted. He almost fell from the chair. He was more than willing to do it, but I think it's the first time I accept one of his gifts just like that, first time I even asked for one. Good, I get to keep my money to buy the weapons. I have just two weeks to refurbish my new home.

Buying the arsenal and parts I needed to refurbish the outside of the ship was also easy. Between the sweepers and all my underground contacts I had the path more than half done to get all I wanted. By the time I put everything together in the private hangar Quatre lent me I had still 10 days to do all the work. More than enough.

I also took the time to follow the fucker I recognized in the bank. Guess what? he didn't do much, but he met regularly with some dude in a park close to his house. I just had to listen to their conversation once: 'he was in the bank with the security boxes'. Well, so they knew who I was. Why avoiding taking any action and just letting me do? Well fuck it, I can understand how their fucking heads work once I'm done with all this. Priorities. At least I know bank fucker is not useful anymore, so instead I followed the other guy, who lead me to a third guy. Seriously, what the fuck?

Finally this last dude took me to an abandoned factory in the borders of the city. Yeah, sure, pretty abandoned. So empty that it was full of cameras and security devices. Honestly, who they want to trick? Anyway, if they knew I was in the bank they may guess I'll try to hack my way in. So that resort wasn't available. Still, stealth has always been my greatest ability. The same night I discovered the damned place I managed to get inside.

I guess no one will be surprised to find out the place was crowded with mobile suits, illegal ones of course, also a few normal ships. Funny enough, I had discovered another address in the documents I scanned in the bank, once I checked again in more detail. But when I went to that address it didn't convince me, my instincts told me to leave that place alone, and now I was certain I was right. I don't know what these bastards are trying to play, and I guess they have multiple plans and tend to work in hiding, but I'll have to worry about it later. Right now I had to make sure most of these mobile suits wouldn't work when needed and that no one noticed what I'd done before it was the right time. I was fucking hours inside that damned place, but by morning I was pretty much done.

Of the 35 mobile suits only five I didn't have enough time to touch, of the 15 ships, only two. They had weapons on them, and I knew my task wasn't over, but I had to be in headquarters in a couple of hours or the commander and the guys were going to bug me about my whereabouts and my absence. Two nights without sleeping on a row wasn't the best of ideas, but well, if that gives me the mental peace the guys will be safer, whatever.

I reached work just on time, and I was quick to lock myself in the toilet and fix my appearance as much as possible. Cannot afford to look tired around certain people, you know who I'm talking about. Wufei directed me an inquisitive glance, and Heero looked thoughtful, but beyond that nothing happened. Until the end of the day, when they invited me for dinner with Quatre and Trowa, well shit. Of course I said yes, and calculated how many hours that'd leave me for working on my own ship and finish my last night job.

The dinner was amazing, great food, relaxed time, no one bugging me or asking annoying questions, Quatre didn't mention the present I had recently asked from him. But of course, I had no time at the end of the day to travel all the way to the damned factory. If I seemed in a hurry to leave they'd notice, and after dinner Wufei dropped me in my place and invited himself for tea. It gave me the feeling they were fishing, but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

I guess you can imagine my despair when next night I arrived to the factory and it was damned empty, abandoned. I went to the direction I found in the documents, you know, the one that made me feel uncomfortable and it was roaming with activity. I didn't even bother, I could have, but I just don't trust the place and instincts are what saved me in the streets. So I had no more choice than to go and work on my own babe while trying to find the guy who guided me to the factory. He had banished, my guess? he and his people were already in space, the ships storing the mobile suits. Good thing I didn't mess with the flying system, only the attack one. Their only option will be to try and crash Quatre and Relena's ship and if I know my enemies, they won't do it because they may get hurt in the process. Well, it'll have to do.

I sighed in relief. I was damned exhausted but I managed to do it in time and things looked positive for once. My workload was up to date, my new ship in perfect state and ready to go fighting anyone who dared cross my way, and the guys as merry as always, Relena and Quatre hadn't been at risk. Just to make things even better, they decided to travel together in one of Quatre's ships. They asked me to pilot, but I told them I rather the Maguanacs to do it and go as escort. They seemed surprised, but thought better of it and Wufei asked Preventers for another ship. He was in charge of that one with Sally, Heero decided to join me, Trowa stayed with the guys and the Maguanacs in the other ship. Better. That way we have double protection for Relena, Quatre and Trowa, the next people to die, and Heero is with me so I can make sure to protect him.

It all started alright. We got into the ships, we launched, we travelled the first six hours according to schedule. Then my alarm went off and we were surrounded by the same ships and mobile suits I saw in that damned factory. I couldn't help it, and as Heero cursed I smiled, but when I noticed he was looking at me with a calculative stare it stopped me cold. It was an odd reaction after all.

It was a good thing my decision to go in my own ship was made in secret and all the paperwork had been handled secretly too. The decision of Wufei had also been handled as confidential. Hence, the enemy had no idea about our ships, and even better, no one knew how much heavy power I was carrying. My communicator came to life as expected and Wufei's voice was the first one to be heard.

'Barton, how much power is there in that ship?'

'Not that much. I'm prepared for attacks but not for so many mobile suits. You?'

'Is Preventers, just enough to stop medium threat.'

'Fuck… Maxwell?'

'Sorted. We'll just have to be creative.'

'I always hate when you say that.' Wufei said, trying to banter but sounding tense.

'But it always work 'fei, and you know it.' I replied, the amusement obvious in my voice.

'What do you suggest?' His resignation almost made me laugh.

'You to trust me and follow my lead.'

'Yuy?' Wufei directed to my co-pilot this time, startling me.

'hn?'

'Make sure the asshole doesn't over do it.'

'Roger.'

I omitted my heart skipping a beat and went straight to the control panel. Heero sat next to me in silence. I knew I didn't need to explain, he'll notice soon enough. He didn't disappoint and a few seconds later I heard his muttered curse. He had realized I was loaded. A quick questioning glance was thrown at me, but he didn't press the point. There was no time and I needed him using his perfect aim. I was fully dedicated to pilot.

As expected, the mobile suits started to fail immediately, some weren't even capable of leaving their cargo ships. My grin grew wider. Three of the ships were completely unable to open their weaponry hatches and exploded at the very beginning of it all. Shinigami gleamed in my eyes. I knew I should have felt bad somehow, but there was no more of that left in me. I was only glad the assholes who had done that to me, the bastards who planned to kill my newest family, could be stopped before succeeding. I didn't care how it happened.

Soon it was our time to fight directly with the ships and mobile suits I couldn't mess with. Luckily, they weren't many. Not half an hour later, and without using any power from Quatre's ship the threat was controlled. Wufei had been nice and captured a few. I had let most of them die. Not direct killing though, Heero was in charge of the canyons and he'd never do it without it being absolutely necessary. And it wasn't, not for him at least. No, what I'd done was to mess with them so they died immediately if they tried to attack us, or pilot in such way they attacked each other. It had been perfect. The threat was controlled, we were free, for now at least.

But of course I claimed victory too soon. I should've known better. Heero unstrapped and after giving me an intense stare he floated to Quatre's ship where Relena was requesting his presence after all that had happened. Sally had also gone there from Wufei's ship, to make sure the key people from this whole trip were absolutely fine, and mostly to give something to calm stress to Relena. Wufei stayed alone in his ship. I stayed alone in mine. Wufei started communication with the other ship. I saw the enemy first.

It was a big mobile suit, not a gundam, but damn, not so far from it either. It was impossible for it to have that much fight power either. But it didn't need to have it. It only needed one thing, the one time canyon in his arms. And it had been charging inside of the carrying ship, a massive one I never saw in that damned factory. It was, of course, pointing to Quatre's ship in such a position that if the canyon was strong enough to go through the ship it would impact on Wufei directly. I shuddered. I had only one option and I felt damn glad I had prepared my own ship for every possible eventuality. It was a bit sad that I was to lose my new flying home so soon after getting it. I just hoped Quatre didn't feel bad his money was wasted. It wasn't, it helped saving them. I hoped he'd see it the same way I do, eventually.

By the time Wufei noticed what was going on I was already in position. The canyon blasted the next second. I heard him curse and call my name, my proper name. That made Trowa focus on me. I heard his voice calling me, a distant shout. I activated the shield system and prayed it worked. Then I felt the impact, strapped or not it didn't matter. My body was ripped out of the chair and crashed against the wall, everything went black.

I don't know how long I was unconscious. I only know I woke up to the frantic calls coming from my communication system.

'Maxwell for fucks' sake, wake the hell up!' it made me smile.

'It's ok 'fei, I'm awake.' I hated how weak my voice sounded.

'Status?!' He barked.

'No fucking idea…' I coughed, shit, that wasn't good. I was lying in the floor and I could see blood. I tried to change my body position for better assessment but I only managed to cut my air and gasp in pain.

'Duo?' It was Quatre now, and he sounded damned scared.

'It's ok, I was just trying to stand, it was a bad idea.'

'How?... did you install a shield in your ship?'

'Yeah, cannot stop the strength of the impact, but at least I'm not floating in vacuum now. How's everyone in your end?'

'We are all fine, or will be as soon as Sally can reach you.'

'The threat?'

'The laser bounced in your shield and went back straight to the enemy. They are nothing but space dust now.'

'Good.' It sounded bitter, and the sharp silence in the other end told me they hadn't missed it. Well shit. I cannot be cautious in this state damn it.

'Duo?'

'Yeah?'

'Is there any way you can let Sally get to you?'

'Sure, just give me loads of time. Don't think I can pilot my babe for a while either.'

'Heero is going with Sally.' It surprised me that he decided to come instead of staying with Relena, but I kept it shut, I'm not in my brightest moment and the last thing I need is the guys realizing anything more they already have.

What came next was my pathetic crawling to the control panel. I bit my lower lip hard enough to prevent any noise, but the blood path was impossible to hide. Whatever. I was just trying to save as much dignity as possible. I was almost there when my vision blurred again. I managed to give a resound 'shit' and I was gone again.

'If you don't fucking wake up now I'm going to shred to pieces your damn new babe and rip your bloody head off you, you son of a bitch!'

'Woah 'fei, and with that mouth you talked to your mother?'

'Finally…' I heard him whisper and I felt my heart clench. He cared, oh god, why does he care so much? My breath hitched with the throb in my chest.

'Duo?'

'Almost there to open the hatch, it was just more taxing than I thought.'

'Fine. Heero and Sally will leave this ship now, so please don't faint again.'

'I'll do my best.'

By the time Heero and Sally arrived to my ship I was dizzy, tired, and fucking done. But awake and properly conscious. Heero cursed to the sight of the blood. I guess there was a lot of it both on me and on the floor, and that's without considering the internal bleeding I must be having. After all, I survived but I received the damned impact nonetheless. Sally just went straight to me and dragged me to my room. She had her own med kit but took my extremely complete supply as well. Whatever Heero said to the guys I missed it. I was unconscious again as soon as Sally started working on me.


	7. When all plans go to hell

I must have been pretty messed up. Because I didn't wake up until we were back on earth. Apparently everything went fine in the colonies and the commander, having been notified of what happened, sent the biggest float of protective ships to accompany us back. I was kept in my own ship with Sally always next to me and Heero piloting. Well, good, I don't trust that much people for that mission. They also kept it quiet about my small arsenal to the Commander. But I'm certain they all knew how much I had improved my babe.

When I woke up I was, again, damn, in the hospital. I'm honestly tired of this part of my late routine.. Luckily it was lunch time and I was alone. Good. I could prepare my mind for whatever the guys wanted to ask. I could also assess my status by myself. I have to confess that last part didn't work so well. As I'm slightly stupid I tried to sit up. Let's just say I failed. In the process I cried out in pain, the machine connected to me went crazy, and suddenly my room was filled by a medical team. That certainly called the attention of the guys, who I just happened to see in between all the doctors roaming into my room. They looked pale, almost frightened. I felt like utter shit for doing this to them. But then something started flowing inside my body and I could only curse Sally wasn't there, she would never drug me.

-o-

I opened my eyes to darkness. Fuck. A nightmare. That's a great part of why I hate drugs. They bring nightmares and it's harder to control them or simply wake up. It's a damn miracle I'm not terrified of darkness though, as most of my nightmares start like that. Predictably, a spark of fire is the next thing. Then there's blood. I actually feel bored of the repeated plot this time. It last until bright light blinds me so hard that my head inevitably hurts. I'm thrown away and slowly start to see shapes. We are in HQ. Sounds, bullets… we are being attacked. I recognized the scenery then. This was when Sally died. Trowa had left us not soon ago. I gasped to the pain. In reality I had dulled my emotions, but here they were damned real.

Trowa's death had been basically suicide. He had launched himself in front of the enemy. His hate a palpable thing. It was the ending he chose after becoming a silent ghost and walking away from Wufei and I. He hadn't been able to mourn with us. He had tried to accomplish an impossible revenge. I had tried to run and to take him away from the line of fire. I didn't even got close to him. A small smile in his lips when he knew he was a goner, and damn if I couldn't totally understand him. I understood him too well.

Now we were being attacked in our own building. The commander was shouting orders desperately. She sent Wufei to the front. I saw Sally go pale, but she took the order for what it was. Or so I thought. Until the enemy pointed directly to the man she loved. She ran so fast, so damn fast… She pushed him with a strength Wufei never thought possible. His eyes, wide in shock, in fear, in pain… my friend, my beloved friend, one of the strongest persons I've met in this damned world… he had lost everything, every time he had dared to love he had lost… yet he had kept trying. He is so much more than I'll ever be. I saw his pain and it ripped through me. An anguished cry came from me with such strength that I thought I was going to tear my vocal chords. I killed them all. Enough, I've had enough of seeing so much suffering, I've had enough of seeing death and loss and… oh god, Sally.

Fuck, I wanted to wake up. I don't want to see this anymore. I know what comes next. I know what came before. Please no more.

-o-

I opened my eyes surprised of how hard it was to focus them. It took me a while to realise they were filled with tears, and a permanent stream was falling from them. I gasped for air feeling such oppression in my chest that it rendered me useless. It took me a while to remember I don't fucking cry. I didn't do it when Heero died, I didn't do it when he rejected me, I didn't do it when Wufei, Quatre or Trowa died… then why now? I sobbed and my hand travelled fast to cover my face. I knew by sheer instinct that I wasn't alone.

'It's ok Duo,' It was Sally. 'It's ok, you were drugged. I'm taking it out of your system.' I sobbed again.

'Can't you do it faster?' Wufei almost snapped at her.

'I'm sorry, it's impossible.' She sounded stressed and that only made me feel worse. 'It's ok Duo, everything it's ok.' She kept chanting, as a mantra.

'Don't you think is actually better for him to let things out for once?' Quatre intervened, his voice and odd mixture of hesitance and determination.

'What do you mean?' This time Wufei did snap.

'Well, many things have happened lately, maybe it was just too much and his defenses are low. Is not healthy he keeps everything inside.' Quatre's soft voice grew in confidence. It was odd, listening to all of this around me, feeling the oppression in my chest, and too busy sobbing to intervene. If I had had some energy for it, I'd have felt utterly humiliated.

'He was drugged, he is not in control and I fucking know how I'd feel if it was me. Utter humiliation.' If I wasn't feeling so fucking bad I'd have found that hilarious. Wufei and I fucking tuned. I think that's some clear evidence of how fucked up I am.

'Well, but Duo is not you.' The stubbornness in Quatre's voice was becoming stronger. God but I knew that tone, and it was not what I needed right now. Couldn't they leave me alone? I don't want them to see me like this. I don't know if it was a side effect of the drugs or what. But I could hear everything happening around me and yet feel distant from it, almost as if I wasn't fully conscious. I could identify my emotions as well, but I was overwhelmed by fucking everything. Too overwhelmed to actually act, do something, at least stop crying for fucks' sake.

'But is more like me than you believe. He is a soldier through and through. He doesn't appreciate weakness.' There was a darkness in Wufei's tone that made me feel both glad and concerned of having him as my partner. I know he is not oblivious, but how much had he seen? How much had he understood?

'Perhaps you two have different notions of what weakness is.' Quatre kept insisting.

'Have you ever seen him cry before?!' This damn discussion was so damn surreal. At least Wufei managed to shut Quatre. I honestly cannot handle his 'let it go' now. I love him dearly, but Wufei is right, I'm more like him than like my beloved sweet friend. I decided I'd had enough and shut my system down. Perhaps, if this time there were no drugs in my system and if I was tired enough I would sleep properly, perhaps then I will wake up better, finally better.

-o-

This time I wasn't lucky enough to wake up alone. In fact I was surrounded. Their tense attitude told me something was wrong, and I just hoped it wasn't me.

'What's going on?' Were my first words, interrupted by a fit of coughs as my throat was fucking dry and raw.

'Duo!' Quatre shouted, and Trowa hurried to give me water. As soon as I was drinking he answered my question. You gotta love soldier training sometimes.

'You were drugged. A team infiltrated in the hospital and took the chance to put something in your IV. Whatever it was it messed you badly. You were so distressed you ripped all your stitches.' Oh, so that must have been the nightmare, and the rest, well, the reaction to the damned nightmare. I knew the drug, I had been exposed to it before.

'What?' Heero's voice brought me back from my thoughts.

'uh?'

'You were frowning, what?' How much to tell, how much to conceal? It's basic teamwork for soldiers to let them know this things, is like status calls. But at the same time there was so much I had been hiding… A hand in my forehead brought me back this time. I took me a couple of blinks to realise Heero was checking if I was feverish.

'I don't have a fever, but secondary effects can be dizziness and confusion between reality and whatever you saw when hallucinating.'

'You have been exposed to it before.' He stated, well captain obvious, I had no fucking idea.

'Yeah, in that mission…' No need to specify which one, they knew. The silence grew heavy then. Not quite what I'd intended. I refrained from sighing to the obvious thoughts my friends were having. I just wondered who was going to ask first. It was Wufei.

'Duo…' Ouch, so calling me by my name, I see. 'What happened in that mission?' I shrugged.

'I already told you all worth sharing. Kind of hadn't processed the drug itself. It was only now that I felt it again in my system that I recalled a similar sensation back then.' They looked at me, doubt written all over their faces. It felt pretty shitty I must say. I hated their lack of trust, yet at the same time I knew I was very, very close, to lying to them, so I guess I deserved their mistrust. I felt like sending it all to hell for a while. I think they noticed, and decided not to press the point… directly.

'You were very distressed by whatever the drug made you see…' I shrugged again. Not like I was telling them.

'What was it?' Heero interrupted abruptly. I almost jumped. Damn this guy, trust him to get bored of all the dancing around the subject and charge up front. I shrugged again and opened my mouth to dismiss the topic, but he was having none of it. He put his arms on both sides of my head, caging me against the wall at my back, and me being in bed, well, there wasn't much I could do. Then, he slowly lowered his head until he was in front of me, and very, very close. I gulped, desire filled me, and it brought back a pain that I had forbidden myself to face yet. 'Tell me.' I retorted to defense mechanisms, my face went blank, my eyes expressionless.

'Just a simple nightmare, but taking away the inhibitions from my brain. It was a drug induced reaction, no need to make such a big drama for something so simple. I'm more concerned about how the fuck someone could come near me and drug me in a Preventers' hospital.' Heero looked like he wanted to bite my head off. See if I care.

'They were damned organised and knew the shifts and footprints of this building to the core. It is being investigated as we speak by Une herself. We are all now appointed to your protection.' I huffed, they smiled. 'Which reminds me…' The uh oh feeling returned. 'Your new ship, brand new ship was loaded. We concealed that from the commander of course. But Duo, why on earth was your ship so obviously prepared for war?'

'There's no such a thing as over-prepared for an ex-soldier.' I tried to dismiss, it was lame I know, but with people as Heero and Wufei it could actually work.

'But we are not at war anymore.' Quatre whispered. Well, yeah, with him it was harder.

'With all the things that have been happening lately I didn't want to risk it Quat. In the last months I've been under a damn building, run a rally to Relena's place, received a bullet and fought against damned mobile suits. I'd say my paranoia is not paranoia if we actually needed it.' He sighed, but seemed unable to find what to say to that.

'Do you think these events are related?' Heero asked, and I wanted to curse. I don't think so pal, I know it. I just shrugged.

'I'm not saying that. I'm just saying a lot of things have happened. Also I already lost one of my houses, and it was my favourite one. I love my trailer but damn, there's nothing as the freedom of flying away to have a restful night of sleep.'

'Guess you got a point.' Trowa cut the discussion, and I had the feeling it was kind of forced. But couldn't be bothered.

'When can I leave this place?'

'In a couple of days. The blast produced internal damage, and as you ripped your stitches you also have some external healing to do too.' Trowa answered, apparently taking the lead of the conversation and making sure everyone else stopped pressuring me. I had no idea of to feel grateful or damn scared of what may come after.

'Great.' I muttered. I couldn't go on forcing my mind to remember what else could happen in the damned hospital, and I couldn't be outside protecting my friends while trapped here. It was a damned dead end that the only way of bypassing it was actually taking care of my own little self. Hard to do considering the stress levels I had. Some of my trepidation must have showed, because suddenly a firm hand grabbed mine that was playing with the end of my braid.

'What is it?' Heero asked, interrupting my useless over worrying.

'Don't like being in a hospital.'

'I know, but you seem more anxious than that.'

'Maybe I still have some remnants of the damned drug.' I said, and the hand holding mine travelled to my chin, forcing me to face the full intensity of Heero Yuy's eyes. I thought the world had stopped, and I could only wish he wouldn't see. I was grateful, for once, that a part of me had died that day. That part had closed the door my eyes sometimes could open to my soul. I knew I was still protected by that when Heero sighed in defeat, it made me smile, and his frustration was replaced by confusion. I looked away then. I didn't want to reach the point of wishing. It hurts, and I cannot hurt now. I have to heal, I have to be ready.

-o-

As if my determination was the only element needed, my body started healing faster than ever before. With some bitterness I thought of the bullet in my brain, and how it had failed to give me the peace I had wanted so badly.

In those couple of days I was intently watched by the guys. They pretended it was a security measure for any possible infiltration, but that threat was more than controlled, it had elicited the full rage of Lady Une herself. No, I knew it was about my drug induced breakdown and the way Trowa cut the conversation. They were observing me, analyzing me, and realizing all the gaps and things that didn't make sense. I didn't had it in me to be worried about it. I was already overpowered by all my other worries. And to be honest, I was reaching a point where even if the guys find out later that I knew what was going on and hid it from them, I didn't care. What I did care though was them not finding out two major things, one, that I was in love with Heero Yuy, and two, that I had actively tried to kill myself. The rest, I can honestly live with.

-o-

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't had been so liberal in my words. Perhaps when I was tired and drained and damned drugged it made sense. But now, looking at Heero's accusing eyes, it just didn't seem right. Let me go a bit back so you can understand.

I was released from the hospital, and went straight to my new ship which thankfully needed only small repairs. I settled there, instead of my trailer. Somehow, the guys didn't thought of that, and they had a minor panic moment of not finding me which made them think in that damned mission again. I guess that gave Heero the connection he needed. While the guys split to my trailer, Preventers and any other place they could think of, Heero went to my flat. The bastard broke in.

The first thing he noticed was, of course, the folder with the plans to harm Quatre, which was on itself suspicious enough. Not happy with that, the meddling bastard took the chance and went straight into my room which, I don't need to remind you, was a fucking mess. Shocked, apparently, by the obvious chaos and destruction in the place, finding the handcuffs that had caused bruises in the past and adding two plus two, he came to the conclusion that I was hiding a big lot of things.

Dominated by the perfect soldier attitude that characterizes him, the bastard went to the hangar of my ship, where he found me making some repairs, and started his damned accusations. Let's say I didn't took it too well. More like I got all pissed off by his attitude and I started fighting back.

'Spill it out Maxwell, what the fuck are these documents? why the fuck you knew about the attack and why didn't you say shit?' I was so damn tired by all his damned aggressive questioning. He had been nagging me about it since he came to find me a good half an hour ago. My patience and ability to divert were running thin.

'It wasn't a reliable source.' I said for the tenth time.

'And?' His expectation didn't mask the threat in his voice. It was a clear warning to be clear and explain everything.

'I wasn't making everyone nervous for something that could be nothing.' I tried to justify my actions.

'They mention an address here, did you go there?' He was fucking giving me no breathing space.

'Yeah, it looked like a trap, my instinct told me it wasn't the right place and I left without ever getting there.'

'You went alone?' Damn.

'Yeah, of course. What were you expecting? That I organised a whole operation with Wufei and the Commander based on a rumor?'

'You could have told Chang, or Barton, or me!' His fist ready to grab or hit me. I could see his exasperation increasing.

'And I would have if I thought it made sense or I couldn't handle it!' Fuck but I was losing it.

'You almost died, you idiot!'

'I didn't, sure, I received blast impact, big deal! It was way less than in the wars. I had already disabled most of the mobile suits anyway!' He stilled, I froze. Oh shit. Oh shit. The victory in Heero's eyes told me this was his intention the whole time. He knew I wasn't going to be honest, he just came to rile me up.

'So,' his voice low, serious and cold. 'you saw the mobile suits.' I shrugged, feeling way too defensive.

'Yeah, I messed with some of them too. They couldn't fight properly. I tried to do it with all of them and the bastards were gone. That's it. Now you know, so leave it.'

'How did you find this?' he shook the papers in his hand.

'Not your business, leave it Heero.'

'What's really going on? What are you hiding from us?'

'Leave me alone Yuy, I have a ship to repair.'

'Why? more attacks coming? You knew about the attacks to Relena too,' he said with sudden inspiration. 'You had the equipment with you, even though there was no bomb threat. How?'

'Leave me the fuck alone!' Somehow I'd lost all control of the conversation. I couldn't fucking think. I just wanted this discussion fucking over. I knew, somewhere deep inside, that it was a horrible idea to keep this going. I just wanted him to leave. I could think better if he wasn't around. I could prepare a suitable version.

'No fucking way Maxwell, you are hiding things, why the hell are you always hiding things? Tell me the truth. I won't leave until you talk, aren't you damn good at it? Talk!'

'Leave me alone Yuy, I have stuff to do.'

'I won't leave you!' His hands gripped my arms hard enough to bruise. He was suddenly close, very close, his eyes piercing me. I'm ashamed to say it overpowered me.

'I fucking love you, ok? Now do what you are supposed to do and leave me!' Shocked by my revelation he released my arms. I took my chance and ran the hell away. I had seen his disgusted face once, I wasn't seeing it again.


	8. Secrecy and friendship, a new plan?

It took me about three steps away from the hangar to realize how much I had fucked it up. He had riled me up, and my exhaustion had backfired on me. He knew. He damned knew. Panic began pumping in my veins. Last time I confessed he damn died. I couldn't… he couldn't. Fuck! I couldn't go back, that was for certain. I was hiding from this pain for as long as needed to do what I must do. Going back was seeing his face, was being heartbroken in present time. No. I couldn't take it. I also couldn't go back because I needed to plan, to prevent the damnable chain of events that I may have unleashed just by opening my damned mouth. I'm good with words more often than not, but damn if my mouth cannot put me in a hell of a lot of trouble. An awful lot. Never this bad, I think. I cannot think clearly now.

My mind tried to block the pain, the memories flashed behind my eyes, I remembered the aching need to die, my brain tried to protect me. Survival instinct is a damn strong thing. I went into autopilot. I needed to find the enemy, I needed to protect.

-o-

I had no place to go, that was the first thing that hit me after I managed to calm down enough to be back to my senses and into planning. I knew protecting them was my priority. But I needed to plan from somewhere. They knew about the trailer, the flat and the ship. Fuck if Heero wasn't telling everyone what had just happened. I couldn't go anywhere.

I think it took me a good couple of hours to realize just how much I had fucked it up. How much Heero could unbalance me. How much this whole shit was messing with me. I had promised myself two things that were never going to happen. I had already broken the first one. How long until my protection strategies failed? I felt my heart thrumming in my ears. I couldn't fail in that one. Not with their lives. If Heero was to hate me now… whatever, as long as he allowed me to protect him and Relena… maybe then, if this ever ended, I'd be allowed to leave. Heero wouldn't want me here. I clutched at my chest to prevent a moan from escaping. Enough, enough of this.

I came to the only option I could think of. Sally. She would understand, she'd keep my secret. But that was only possible if the guys, if Wufei, hadn't shared with her what had happened yet. I trusted the guys to be planning and talking and getting angry at me at Quatre's place. It gave me just enough time to go and find Sally inside her office in the hospital. Good. I cannot risk going to her place suddenly, as Wufei may be there. She was obviously surprised of seeing me, but god she is tough. I cannot let her die. She didn't even jump, just noticed my presence, brought a couple of mugs with tea and sat down. I can only thanks ever deity in this world that she is willing to listen to me. I just hope she'll allow me to continue with this.

-o-

I walked into Sally's cabin in the outside of Sank just wishing I won't bring any problems to her relationship with Wufei. I'd be damned once I have to go back to work. But I guess I can agree on something with the Commander. Luckily I still have some days off after all that happened. Which reminds me, what the fuck with the people who infiltrated in the hospital? I grabbed the new laptop I had to buy, no way I'm going back for my old one.

Of course hacking my way into the information I needed was more than illegal. I knew it. I also was well aware the guys may have set traps to find me. Let's make Duo's life even more stressful by preparing the system specifically for him. Damn Yuy, he knew my style. But fuck him, I knew his. Which of course made me pause for a second. I had to be prepared for the style of any of the guys. My only hope they hadn't decided to mix their styles together, because then I was toasted. But I didn't think so, hacking is quite personal, and we are all paranoid soldiers after all. I had to get fucking inventive, let me tell you that. +

I succeeded though. A few hours later I had the information I needed. The suspects had been apprehended. Two had taken poison they had hidden in their clothing, what the fuck? How organised can this enemy be? Two had been interrogated kind of effectively. They clarified it was part of a bigger operation, the commander had made the connection with the group I had gone to destroy… the group of that damned mission. Two had remained silent. They were in custody.

Well, I had two main options here. I could go and interrogate those who had spoken, or those who had not. The dead guys were beyond my reach, sadly enough. However, I was pretty damn sure the guys knew I'd try to do this. Stealth was a good option, unless one of the guys was there. I mean, eventually they'd leave, but that could make the stealth too damn long, and if they were attacked in that gap of time… shit, no. So I needed intel, and I needed it fast. If these assholes were indeed associated with the ones of that mission it was just about finishing my damn job. I would kill them all and finish this damn revenge of mine. Then, then I could leave. Of course I don't intend to face Heero ever again. No thanks. Ok, maybe once I have already dealt with it all, heartbreak included. But right now? Right now I need to be able to fight, not to… whatever. I gathered my things then. I needed to check if it was possible to interrogate them, and then… then I could face my next step.

-o-

Is anyone surprised that the two guys who hadn't given any information where indeed surveilled by the best Preventer officers we have? Granted, it wasn't any of the guys. But I knew those at the door. They had been trained by Wufei. They were good and quite devoted to my partner, they were most likely there because Wufei had decided so. Which means they knew I'd try to hack and come. I felt something inside me squeeze, and anxiety crept from my stomach. One thing is to go hiding things to your friends, and trying to find an enemy that is good five steps ahead of you. A complete different thing was to keep doing all that, but also kind of battling said friends. I had to protect them and ran away from them at the same time. God, I'm too old for this shit. I'm not looking forward to ever meeting them again, despite how much I want them alive. They'll be fucking livid.

Luckily for me the same level of protection wasn't granted for those who had spoken. Dear friends of mine, all honourable and shit, they don't believe I'll be a bloody bastard, which I am. So what if they spoke? it means they probably know more. I can find out what else, I don't buy their sudden compliance as a change of heart. If the Commander wants to fucking fire me for this after she can do it, I will be fucking resigning anyway. As I walk inside the individual cells where they have them I let Shinigami take a hold of me. I can feel the thrill, the dangerous smirk, threatening energy, and god, they can feel it too.

-o-

Fine, after I'm done I cannot pretend I'm proud of my actions. I'm not. I was a shitty human being, I'll give you that. To be fair, I didn't actually tortured them, I only scared the shit out of them. However, I won't deny I was willing to go further if needed. I'm glad it wasn't, I don't like the monster I can become when it is about the guys, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't appreciate it either. I sigh to the thought that maybe I'm losing my humanity more and more, turning more like my enemies, more like Shinigami… definitely less like someone worth… fuck, let's not go there.

I open the door of the damn cabin with my morals down in the ground, questioning pretty much everything I'm doing, indulging in self-loathing as I haven't allowed myself in a while, and that's the only excuse I have to explain why I wasn't prepared to see Wufei as soon as I closed the door. I tensed when he called my name, and I can only be grateful my brain recognized the sound, so I never got to attack him. He noticed though, his eyes widening in shock when my hands stopped mid action.

'I won't hurt you.' He whispered, I guess trying to soothe. To be fair, it wasn't his fault, but his damn words had already hurt me, because I know it means he cares for me, I also know he cannot stop death from happening. I snort to this, and he only arches an eyebrow, before inviting me to seat down. Once I do as he asks, he brings some tea and take his own seat in front of me.

'First of all, don't get mad at Sally. She bound me to secrecy before telling me you went to visit her and were staying here. She only did it because we were willing to mobilize all Preventers and the Maguanacs have to give in order to find you. She forced me to promise I wasn't telling the rest of the guys and I was listening to whatever you had to say, and that if I ever so much as dared to doubt you she was ending it all with me, because then I wasn't the man she thought I was.' I rose my eyes in surprise, Sally had said that? Damn but I love that woman, and fuck if it doesn't hurt too.

'Got it.' I mumbled, knowing he won't proceed with whatever speech he prepared until this is settled.

'Good. Now, I want to know what's going on Duo. Yuy suddenly comes to us with a folder with the damn plan to murder Winner and the Vice Minister, he tells us about the state of your flat, which I went to see by myself by the way, and then he explains how he riled you up until you confessed you went alone to the enemy's hiding place and messed with all those mobile suits alone. What is going on?'

'I told Yuy, I wasn't certain of the threat. There's no point in mobilizing all of preventers' resources until we are sure. There was another address in the documents, I went and didn't trust the place, so I left. But I saw this dubious guy and followed to the factory where they had the mobile suits. They were prepared to leave. I had to act fast just in case it was needed, just in case the information on that folder was real.'

'You certainly prepared yourself. Your ship was loaded.' He stated.

'Better safe than sorry.' I shrugged, avoiding delving into it any further. Not like he was buying my evasive maneuvers though.

'Did you go again to the factory?' I hesitated, he noticed, it was better than any answer I could have provided. 'Damn it Duo. You cannot go exposing yourself like that.'

'I had to be sure.' I tried to defend myself. But I lacked the vehemence to convince him.

'You can be sure with me next to you, or with Yuy, or Winner or Barton. We had enough of you disappearing on us. We don't want to experience that again.' I had to look away, god, but I know what he means. 'Duo… what's going on?' I almost gave in, his plea was physically hurting me. But when I looked at him I couldn't stop the flashback, the moment when Wufei left me too. I flinched, I think I gasped in pain, and I hurried out of that damned place. I couldn't… I…

Strong arms grabbed me, stopping my lame attempt to run away. I tried to free myself, I think I pushed him, he just got closer, anchoring me. I could feel his smell, a familiar scent, a secure scent, his voice calling reassurances. God but I felt ashamed when I came back fully to myself and found myself leaning fully on Wufei. Well, if he was concerned before, now sure as hell he wasn't gonna buy whatever I tried to sell to him. Oh shit, call for unfortunate flashbacks. Once I finally fully calmed down and stopped resisting him, he used his damn strength to turn me, facing me. I could only be thankful he wasn't Heero, I don't think I could have stopped myself from doing something I would most definitely regret if faced so close and overwhelmingly by him. Which doesn't mean I'm not shocked as fuck and somewhat melting when this man, one of the strongest I've ever met in my life, and one of the proudest as well, simply… hugs me. It was contention in a way I haven't felt since the church, and I hadn't noticed how much I missed it. Way to go Duo, why not to bring all your abandonment issues full force right now?

'Duo please… what's going on?' He begged.

'Don't make me talk about it 'fei, please.' I begged back.

'Parameters? Anything? We cannot stand this… we want to help you. I want to help you.' The determination in his voice was making me wish he could but I knew better.

'You can't…'

'Why? Aren't we partners?' Unfair, so damn unfair. Can't you understand that's why I'm so afraid of it? Partners, oh god...

'Yeah… we should, I should ask the commander to change that. I cannot… could I change…?' Somewhere deep in my mind I knew I wasn't making any sense, I knew I'd be beyond frustrated and pained if one of the guys ever did something like this to me. But at the same time I couldn't be bothered by that right now. I needed to protect them. Alone.

'Duo, stop, stop… god, your mind is racing. Breath, breath my friend, breath.' He grabbed me, firmly but softly at the same time. I did as told. It was an easy enough instruction to follow. 'Good. I'm on watch now, no need to be concerned. Parameters?' Now it was a command, nor a question, training kicked in.

'Enemy plotting against you all. Too risky to involve any of you.' I answered almost mechanically.

'Isn't it risky to involve yourself alone?' I could hear his confusion.

'No. They couldn't beat me.'

'And they could beat us?'

'Yes.' The air around me stilled. I opened my eyes. Wufei's stare had so many thoughts and emotions that it was impossible for me to fully understand what I was seeing. But it pinned me nonetheless. He was using all his strength, his power, the trust I had on him… it was all at stake now. He was doing his damn best to read me, to understand me.

'Are you doing all this to protect us?' I saw realization sink in.

'Yes.' I said, defeated.

'Duo… we will be fine.' I snorted.

'Lie. Don't make promises you cannot fulfil Chang. You should know better than that.' He flinched, I felt like an utter asshole.

'You are risking yourself with all this. Together we could do so much more.'

'Would you risk Sally?' I snapped back. His eyes widened in shock.

'What are you talking about?' His voice was almost outraged now.

'I don't want any of you around this… would you risk Sally? if you knew any of us will die in this mission. Would you put us in between anyway? Just to make your own life easier?'

'Duo… we won't…'

'Don't make me live it again…' I whispered, I pleaded, sounding awfully desperate.

'Live it again?' He repeated, and I swear I could hear it, the moment when all clicked in his head. 'Duo, is this about that mission?' I laughed humorlessly. He frowned. 'What happened in that mission?'

'It doesn't matter. It won't change a thing.'

'Duo…' He warned.

'I don't want to talk about it!' I may have shouted, ok, I'm certain I practically screamed at him. He sighed, obviously frustrated, but seemed to understand we were going nowhere.

'Fine. I'm getting an idea anyway. Ok. You don't want us involved in this, despite whatever it is, is coming for us, right?' I nodded cautiously. 'And we don't want you risking your damn life like this, disappearing and… suffering. We need to find some balance then.' I pushed away, but he held me close. 'No, hear me out. What if… you stay with us in Quatre's… 'I winced, he amended. '...In any location you choose. We won't ask any questions, but you let us be there, be with you, we make sure you eat, sleep and all of that. We'll help you with whatever you ask, and we won't… force you to be clear about it. Full trust Duo, we will be giving you full trust.'

'And privacy?' So fucking tempting.

'Privacy?' He echoed, confused.

'No matter what you hear in my room, you are not allowed to go in. No matter what I do in the laptop, none of you hack in. No matter what weird… vibes you get from my interaction with anyone, not even with any of you… you don't ask.'

'Fine, that too.' He growled.

'I know I'll have your word 'fei, but you cannot possibly force the rest into this.'

'I won't force them. I'll call them right now and tell them the conditions. I won't reveal where we are. But from where I see it, this is quite simple. Or we do this, or we may lose you forever. You are not the only one willing to do stupid things for those we care about.' I looked at him startled in surprise. 'Yes Duo,' he sighed. 'We honestly care about you.'

'I know.' My answer was too hasty, too fast, too needy. He instantly knew there was a lot more underneath such simple words. He just looked intently at me before grabbing his phone, never fully releasing me. I wondered then, if his love, being only a very deep friendship, hurt me this much. How much could Heero's love hurt me? Well… that was a hurt that I wasn't going to experience. I wondered if it was worse or better than being heartbroken for the absence of said love.

My musings were interrupted when Trowa answered Wufei's phone call. He put the speaker and Trowa did the same, so we were all fully aware of what was going on. It felt almost ridiculous. He explained the conditions, the guys went silent for a moment, and I could feel the tension emanating from them, almost burning me. But they agreed nonetheless. As I knew they would. That's why I'm so scared, and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Driven by Wufei's force, who made all this weird arrangement for me, who grabbed my duffel bag and my laptop, who practically carried me back to his own place, after I specifically asked for it not to be Quatre's… does it make sense that I forgot that I was to see Heero again? My mind had been elsewhere. Probably blocking the memory of my blurting out my feelings. I only remembered when we were arriving. Wufei noticed my sudden tension. His hand travelled fast and easy to my shoulder, squeezing. He didn't ask. I haven't confided on him yet, could that be enough to save him?


	9. One more threat: Transition to the end

Trowa opened the door at Wufei's place. They had obviously moved in the basic things they needed. We were going to be somewhat cramped, but they didn't seem to care about it. The smell of food made my stomach complain. When was the last time I ate? Wufei snorted and softly pushed me to the dining room, where Heero and Quatre were bringing the food they had just cooked. I avoided Heero's stare as if it could give me the plague. But I couldn't avoid the feeling of his eyes burning me. Quatre sighed loudly and pushed me down in my seat, putting a plate in front of me. And why was I suddenly behaving as a kid who did bad in school? What the fuck is wrong with me? Since when I'm this fucking vulnerable? I growled to the world and started eating. Wufei snorted then, apparently finding my reaction amusing. I glared at him.

'Da fuck?' He looked startled, but his smile was rueful right after.

'The sulking kid really doesn't go with you.' He answered, oddly proud.

'Yeah, just noticed the same. What the fuck is wrong with me…' I added in a whisper, the tension around me let me know they had heard me. Shit. 'Well, I'm doing nothing wrong, so whatever.' I added with my voice firm again.

'Good to know. Don't appreciate how long will take me to shower in the mornings for the time being.' Wufei tried to relax the mood. I sent him a grateful glance. He was doing it for me, to fulfill his promise to me, after all.

'Well, it'll all depends in how many of us decide to masturbate in your shower.' I collaborated in his efforts. Though I don't think he appreciated my intervention given he almost choked on his food.

'Fuck Duo, no need to put that in my head.' The banter was so natural that relaxed me immediately.

'What? semen? semen combined of you and four other guys you know fairly well? Cleaning the shower and finding some dots of…'

'If you complete that sentence you will be cleaning the shower, daily.' Wufei threatened, and I was only grateful I could feel the tension decreasing around me. Well, except from Wufei, he may as well kill me after this.

'I'll clean it with your toothbrush, see if you like that.' He choked again and grimaced.

'You'll be showering in HQ.' He stated, and it admitted no reply. Asshole. Though his mention of HQ reminded me I needed to clarify a few more things.

'Yeah, about that. I think I may need some time off work. You think you can do ok without me?' He glanced at me, the question in his eyes, but he never voiced it.

'Sure.'

'Can I ask something else?'

'Sure.' His lack of judgement was almost enough to disarm me. Do you have any idea how hard is that for people like us? I wished Heero to give me something like that so badly that it fucking hurt.

'Can you tell me the missions you are working on anyway? I want to know when you do fieldwork before you do it.'

'Fine.'

'Something else?' Trowa asked this time. I could tell the both of them, Wufei and Trowa, agreed on the current situation, while Heero and Quatre were absolutely pissed about it.

'Don't go to Quatre's place.'

'Got it.' He vowed, while Quatre just looked intently at me. I knew he would do as I asked, but if not at least I had the certainty Trowa would make sure of it anyway.

'Heero?' I asked tentatively, avoiding my voice from showing how reluctant I was of interacting with him right this moment.

'nh?' Well, apparently I shouldn't worry so much, he is being his usual pissed self. Shit.

'I rather you don't take fieldwork missions unless I know in advance, no matter the kind of mission. The same as Wufei.'

'Nh.' Only for my mental health purposes, I decided that was a yes. I wasn't looking at him for confirmation.

I guess I had reached some sort of breaking point with all the physical and emotional exhaustion of the last months. The tension and stress had probably a role to play in here. Not to forget any sort of damage for the damn drugs to which I was exposed intensively for a week and again in my last visit to the hospital. Wufei had done a great job anchoring me and now I could only be ashamed of the whole situation. But at the same time it granted me more freedom to act. The guys were willing to follow my lead, and damn but that brought me some peace.

Problems? Relena, of course. Who else? I couldn't have her living with us. I couldn't have Heero protecting her. Luckily I knew what the plan of the enemy was. My secret visit to Preventers right before Wufei tricked me into this arrangement had proven to be useful. Wufei told me about the trip she was going to take. I knew before he opened his mouth that she was travelling by car in a caravan. Lovely. Easy to have someone who shouldn't be there as an escort, also easy to discover the route, hard to escape of something big like a bomb. Way to go princess.

I already knew the official plan wasn't to attack her on the way, but once everyone felt safe because they could see their destination. Therefore, I made sure the guys would not be part of her escort. It would only stress me more. Heero was obviously unhappy about it. Well ouch. He could fucking be checking the situation from his laptop for all I cared about. I wasn't going to let her die anyway. I asked them to be together in HQ, they could hate me together from there. Quatre almost broke his promise though. He asked if Relena was in danger and I was going to expose myself to protect her again in a situation I already knew what was going on. I only looked at him. Wufei sighed and Trowa grabbed Quatre's shoulder and squeezed. Still he didn't bulk for whole five minutes. With a huffed 'fine, whatever' he just left the room. But I didn't need to worry on that end. Trowa looked at me with determination written in all his features. He was, after all, in charge of Quatre's security. And thank all deities for that.

Now, as I know my enemy, I wasn't planning to be part of the caravan either. It didn't make sense to let them be aware of my presence in the surroundings. Besides I had no time to change the security parameters and run the security checks my mental peace would need around so many unfamiliar faces. No. What I did was to drive my own little route in parallel. Somehow Relena and her security team had decided the best was to drive in a path bordered by a damn forest. Talk about places to hide. So yeah, I went driving through the trees. Good I have a great bike… and gundamiun balls, because otherwise… oh yeah, I don't have gundamiun balls. The princess is gonna owe me big after this. Good I was alone in this and didn't take even a mike, though Wufei offered. They'd have heard me swearing the whole fucking way.

I had to use the extra speed because even though the enemy's plan was to attract at the end of the trip. I was not dumb enough to fully believe the people I had all but tortured to get the information. Besides, this enemy had a tendency to be five steps ahead of me the whole freaking time. I could not risk Relena's life. Luckily this time things were going according to what was expected. Once I was certain the first part of the trip had no threat, I went faster. I needed to arrive to the place before Relena did. I needed to stop the enemy before they had a chance to even scare her. Let's say I went so damn fast that I catch the bastards when they were installing the things. It was a freaking missile. They were going to fire a damn missile to a country house. No way I was ever allowing the guys near something like this. Don't start with me being an overprotective shit. I saw them die already. Problem? I had two options. To call Relena's team and tell them to change plans so I could follow these bastards to their hiding place and end this once and for all… Or to make sure I went all the way up the damn mountain where they put the missile and dismantled the thing myself.

I groaned in frustration. I was fucking exhausted of this, of all of this. I wanted it over. But I couldn't risk Relena's team not listening to me, or the enemy having more than one missile. It had to be me doing it. I was the one stopping these deaths after all. But I knew what awaited me after this. Another deadly event. More of this never-ending shit. Well fuck. You are a fucking soldier Maxwell, get a fucking grip and do the shit you came to do. I only granted my mental pace a small detour and placed a tracking device in the vehicle I hoped the enemy was using.

Suffice to say the bloody fucking missile was damn huge. Why the fuck would someone need so much destructive power to kill a single human? It was damned insane. Of course dismantling the big shit wasn't easy. Fuck no. But not impossible either, and that was all I needed. It had a timer and a distant detonator. So the first thing was to block the distant command. The second thing to stop the damn timer. Finally, I had to render the thing useless. Now it would only explode if it was hit by another missile, and it was far enough from any living beings to worry about that at the moment. I sent a message to the Commander so someone came to pick it up though. It makes no sense to leave such a powerful thing here in the open.

But the whole operation had taken me good three hours. The bastards installing this were long gone. Shit, Relena was long gone. As soon as I had the missile in front of me I took a damned picture and sent it to the Commander who stopped Relena's trip and created a diversion on the spot. The enemy couldn't be prepared for that. I actually hoped she had left the design of the emergency exit route to Heero in HQ. He and Quatre were the best at it, and I wasn't planning to hide this had happened from them. They were trusting me and following my lead, I wasn't abusing.

So, after I finished my job here I was ready to go and follow the tracker, just to be sure if it'd lead me somewhere or not. But I also had to make sure Relena was alright. Heero'd never get off my case if I failed to do my protection work properly, and with Relena, it involved the talking afterwards and shit like that. Normally I wouldn't be the one in charge of it. But I had expressly asked the guys not to be here this time. I'd have to do it. Well, three or five hours wouldn't make much of a difference if the car wasn't enemy property, or if they hadn't realized it was there and had parked the damn car. If the tracker was in the right place I'd get there, if not, I'd have to face once more the same drill. You know, I find a threat, I run to stop it, I get exhausted and complain about it, I question my goddamn existence, and then we go at it again. Fuck it, let's make sure the princess is alright then.


	10. Later: The mantra to stop precogmares

The tracker led me to a damned hidden location. A small valley in between a mountain range. No big cities close to it. There was a tunnel to access the valley but it was privately owned. Go figure, no idea you could own mountain ranges and shit. Nothing like capitalism I guess. Someone who could afford making a tunnel definitely had money. Clean money? Doubtful.

Of course I was not fucking using the damn thing. Most likely it was entirely wired. I'd have to climb. I was already a good day late, a few more hours wouldn't make such a big difference, I figured. I had the time anyway. I had made sure Relena was alright, the protection around her reinforced. I also messaged the guys telling them there was somewhere I had to go and to message me if they got any field mission before going. I am acting as a secretive bastard, but that doesn't mean I will worry or scare them on purpose.

-o-

After five hours had passed and I hadn't reached the damned other side I realized I had underestimated the size of the mountain range. I mean, if it had been small they wouldn't need a fucking expensive hole to get to the other side, would they? I also became aware I was more exhausted of what I thought. I was getting damned tired with all the running fucking everywhere, which of course made me damned slower. Not like I was giving up though. Relena and the guys were safe for now. I had to take my chance, because I don't think I'll be lucky enough to arrive just on time every single time, and god forbid the enemies to realize what'd happen if I have to chose who to protect. There's no way something like that could have a remotely happy ending for me. No matter if it was Heero against Relena, I'd still feel like utter shit if the princess died.

-o-

Finally after two more hours I did it. I was undetected in the other side of the valley, which was clearly a hidden facility for nasty purposes, as all the movement detectors and cameras and guards illustrated. However, before I could make my way into the main building I saw the guards change posture, become very attentive to their communicators and start fucking running. Lovely, something had happened. I just hoped it took the guards away from me and gave me the time to discover what the fuck was going on. I had no map of the place, so it could take a while to discover something useful. Though most buildings and places used for nasty purposes had a similar layout. So I went for the air ducts, probably unprotected as the outside was very well protected.

-o-

Two goddamn hours, that's what it took me to find a room that could give me access to the footprints of this damned building complex. But I finally had it. More than that, I had finally confirmed these were the same bastards who had tortured me and who had damned ruined my fucking life. I had found their control room, I had the access to their internal system, and I had my goddamn evidence. I just needed to find the fucker who had survived me and had managed to re-arrange everything in such little time. It was clear I had destroyed only one of their bases, totally unaware there was anything else to destroy. It was also pretty obvious they had a very developed back up plan and that the mad scientist I had remembered in the bank, the dark haired dude, had a key role in the organization and had managed to escape before I went berserk.

The fact I had only vague memories of him was another indicator of his high hierarchy in this group. It meant he wasn't in charge of directly torturing me, and what I remember is him going to check on his subordinates. I bet I was an interesting case for that bastard. If I was right, he was probably the head of all this shit. So he was the motherfucker I needed to kill. And I was so doing it.

I was kind of surprised though. I had been here for more than a few minutes and no one had come to find me. It wasn't very likely they didn't have cameras in this room, so more likely they were distracted. 'Distracted in a mission', my mind completed, 'a mission to kill those you love'. A chill traveled through my spine. The guys. I hadn't been in contact with them for too fucking long. 'Please Shinigami', I begged, 'don't let anything bad happen to them'. I felt a panic attack coming and forced myself to breathe slowly. Fuck no. I was already here. What I needed to do was to find that black haired guy. If I did, I could fucking torture him to know where everyone was. Perhaps I couldn't give him the slow death I intended, but he'd be dead, and that was all I actually needed. So instead of running stupidly with no freaking direction, I remembered I'm a fucking soldier and a hacker. I was already in the control room, which provided me the perfect chance to hack the security cameras and find him. Hopefully, I'd find the rest of the guards and if there were any vehicles missing.

By this point, mi intention was simply to find him, make sure my friends weren't in immediate danger and then kill him. I also intended to blow the fucking place right after. I was only finishing my mission after all, right? But my planning stopped cold when the cameras found him. The image in front of me made me stagger back. Black haired was indeed busy… and his soldiers were not out there hunting my friends, as they were with him, their guns pointing the enemy though they were obviously talking. The floor was covered by what I guess were all the unconscious guards this place could facilitate.

So the guys were here, my enemy was here. I could end this now and make sure my friends wouldn't be under the same danger again. But why were they here? Why hadn't they sent me a message? What were they talking about? How had they found this place? So many fucking questions. Torture wasn't an option anymore though. No matter how angry I was, how much I felt like Shinigami fighting death with desperation. The guys would never let me freely torture another person, even if he hardly deserved to belong to the same broad category we did. And I knew that once I'd calmed down and the exhaustion and eternal sense of threat had decreased I'd agree with them. After all, who cares what hand ended with the enemy as long as the danger was gone? As long as I knew this person who had managed to develop such efficient plans to kill us was out of commission? Oh shit. It didn't make sense to dwell on it.

What I needed to do was to get to that damn room as fast as possible, and as secretly as possible. I had a bad feeling about this whole situation. This enemy had already proven to be ahead of us every single time. I don't think the guys simply found him. And I certainly doubt he wasn't prepared for it. He has all of us in one place now. It'd be so easy to kill us all… I'm not an idiot. I know how strong the guys are, how prepared and fast and shit. But they are fucking human, they died already! What if he gassed the room until they all passed out? He was the boss around here. He'd be taken to his room and have some medicine for his headache. The guys would be dead, or tied up and tortured… what if he did to them what he did to me? What if he had a bomb prepared? More guards waiting for the right moment to shoot from all directions? All options were available. We hadn't developed a proper plan here!

And yes, I'm well aware of how Chang and Yuy and Winner that sounded. But shit. I'm not an irresponsible piece of shit. I do plan my missions, every freaking time. This last period has been a bit of an exception. Oh shit. I needed to get there. I needed to be the secret asset that could protect them. I had to trust the enemy had no idea I was already here. Or that if he knew, he wouldn't see me coming. I climbed the air ducts again. I had the route ingrained in my brain now and knew exactly how to get to them. I needed to make sure no one will notice me. Secrecy was our best chance right now. If I managed to grab the enemy by surprise I may be able to stop his plan. I'm sure this cannot be so simple.

-o-

'... that's it? you don't want to know what happened to your sweet friend under my precious hands?' I heard a voice that sent chills to my spine, the black haired guy. I felt the flashback coming and made my best effort to stop it. I had no idea where it could lead me, but if I ended throwing up my guts then my secrecy was damned. In the fog plaguing my head I could still notice his voice was throaty, strained, as if being strangled. Probably one of the guys had him pinned against the wall. Yet, there was some smugness too. The bastard knew he had the upper hand about something. I could very well imagine that something was me.

'What the fuck do you mean?' Wufei demanded, and shit but I knew that tone, flaming pissed.

'Speak.' Was Heero's cold reply and I felt the man struggle for air, it was Heero who had him pinned then. I felt a familiar kind of hurt thinking he was doing this for Relena, her protections and his anger to her danger, instead of out of worry for me. I immediately felt like an ungrateful piece of shit. He cares about me, just not enough, not as much and not as I want. But it's not like he wants me in pain. Besides, as long as the bastards are stopped, who am I to complain? If he kills him, even if it was strictly to protect Relena, at least this danger would be over. I could figure out my next steps then. But at least the permanent fear of the guys being killed in every fucking mission… that'd be controlled.

'Don't you wanna know what happened in that mission? I'm pretty certain Mr. Maxwell hasn't said much about it.' Fuck. No. I had no idea how much that motherfucker knew about my precogmares and what I'd done right after destroying the damned place. But any information was too much information, and even though I kind of wanted a full explanation of what the fuck, why, how, and why me and all that shit. I just wanted that clarification for me and no one else. That shit was private. I had to leave this air duct and get down there as fast and silently as possible. But the only way of doing it was to crawl to the other end of the big ass room they were located and come from there. I just hoped I managed to do it on time. I had to stop him. To be sure I wasn't missing a thing while crawling to the other end, I left a small mike in the place and took the comm with me. I could keep hearing whatever the bastard was saying. Good, I didn't want it to grab me by surprise eventually.

-o-

'...I can do something better than that. I can show you.' My breathing stopped for a second before accelerating. What? What was his damned purpose? The guys were going to kill him after seeing any evidence of his torture. Was he buying time or some shit like that? 'But you'll have to release me.' I heard a noise, and when the guy spoke again his voice wasn't strained anymore. Heero had released him. Shit, he had them. 'That's better.' The damn smugness was back full force. God, but I wanted to kill him.

'What did you do to him?' Trowa's hiss was damned scary, but the black haired bastard just laughed at it. Yeah, he definitely felt he had the upper hand somehow. He was definitely planning something while stalling. Fuck, he was stalling. I needed to find out what it was, because if the motherfucker had set a bomb or something we were all being blown to fucking hell, and with my luck, all my friends would be dead and I'd be the fucker surviving the shit. No-way-in-hell.

'Well, you see, I had new technology I wanted to try. Virtual reality has been used in many different ways, but as long as people are disconnected they always know everything was false. I wanted to see if I could make people believe they had lived something that wasn't real to the point it became real for them, both physically and as a memory. I wanted to see what would happen if I altered their world and senses. What would happen after being disconnected? Would the memories erase with time? would they always be real? Had I changed the way people interacted with the world forever? And more than that, I was also curious about the impact of the brain in the body. Would they die in real life if they died inside their brains? What about the working of their bodies?' I felt bile in my throat to the damned prepared speech. What? He wanted some fucking science prize?

'Why?' Quatre asked with cold suspicion. We had been warriors and the toys of mad scientists before. It always led to the same fucking end.

'Many reasons. The first one was that it allowed me to train people in far less time…' There you go, it is war, it always is about fucking war. '...Inside their brains time is subjective, I could make them believe they had slept and that days had passed, but in real time it could be just a couple of hours. I could also have them under my control. If they believed my enemies are their enemies, and that they swore allegiance to my cause, well, I could play with that fidelity to me, I could create a reality to make them devoted. I could have my own army of well trained and devoted soldiers in almost no time. I could also turn enemies to my side, render them useless without killing them or even controlling high figures of the earth and colonies spheres to my will. Just with the help of some brainwashing. If no one knows it happened there's no crime, no suspicion. Full power while being a hidden figure.' He was fucking gloating.

'Why are you telling us all of this?' I almost clapped Quatre. I wanted to know the same thing. Too much of a prepared speech for my taste. There had to be something else, a plan. He was waiting for something.

'You wanted to know what happened to your friend. I'm pretty sure you also want to know why it happened.' He stated, calming down a bit. I guess he realized they weren't distracted as easily as your common fellow.

'Keep talking.' Heero demanded, and I cursed again. If he was so engrossed in the damn story it meant he may not be paying full attention to the surroundings. There must be a trap, there's always a trap with this guy. Always.

'The other good thing about my system was that it allowed me to discover a lot about the person over whom I tested it. I could just let it play to their fears adding only small inputs to it and see where the brain would direct the future actions. I just needed the extra help of a few more drugs than usual. The problem was that everyone with whom I tried to use that system died. Or they had a heart attack or they killed themselves in the story they built. Sometimes it led to brain damage, sometimes they slip into a coma, some simply turned off. Not sure what made the difference yet. None of them lasted enough for me to test how it really worked and what else could I do.' I felt my hands trembling while opening the hatch of the air duct, I was finally in the other side of the damn room. I was a test, they had needed me because I was stronger than most people, but me or any of the guys was the same, it was just luck it was me and not them. 'So then I thought, what if I try this with one of the strongest people on earth? A Gundam Pilot? I only had to design a mission that involved any of you, but only one, I know you are kind of hard to capture and all. Mr. Maxwell just was lucky enough to get the mission, and god but I had no idea his brain was so damn interesting,' He gloated. At the same time my fists clenched I heard a thud and a grunt. 'Release me, or you'll never heard the end of the story.' His voice was so damned strained that it had to be fucking painful. Yeah, don't mess with Gundam Pilots in front of other Gundam Pilot, we kind of hate that.

I took a deep breath and controlled the trembling in my hands. I had to find the backup plan of the bastard and hopefully stop the guys from finding out what had happened in that mission. But by now I was pretty certain he had a backup plan, it was just his style. Protect goes first, my needs and wants, well shit, not like I ever had any of those granted or respected, not like they could ever be a priority. I felt hopelessness expanding and I blocked it. Later, once the mission is done. 'Later' had fucking become my goddamn mantra by now.

'So you used Duo.' Quatre prompted.

'Oh yes,' the bastard almost moaned. I felt sick. 'He was the perfect subject to try on the system. He was strong, he has a vivid imagination and very interesting fears. He could construct very realistic settings with small prompts and despite his body resisted the drugs at first, it wasn't that hard to find a combination that worked. Wanna see?' His voice took an insane edge, what a sadist. He was enjoying this shit a bit too much for my damned taste. The next thing I heard were the guys gasping, and I had to take a peek. I regretted doing it almost instantly.

I heard my own grunts of pain and my ragged breathing through the comm while I watched my face, contorted in pain, sweat rolling down all over my body. There was a fucking huge screen behind the black haired bastard, and he was showing my misery for the world to see. God, I wanted to throw up so badly. I heard his voice in the damned recording: 'Increase the dosage, is still not working properly', someone shot a 'yes, sir' and my head jerked back, air failing me, the machines monitoring me went crazy will all sorts of beeping. My heart rate was leaning towards fucked up, my eyes widened to impossible levels. But there was no crying out in pain, and I appreciated that an awful lot. My dignity was already at stake in here. 'Finally', the black haired bastard of the video whispered, and my head fell towards my chest. I looked asleep. The insane trembling of my eyelids and the speed of the beeping indicating my heart rate told me I was probably already in the world they had suggested my brain to create. The video stopped there.

'What happened after?' Trowa asked, his voice tense. I took one last look to the image of me strapped in that damn chair, and shook my head to bring it back to the present. I had a chance to check the room underneath me, better to do what I came to do, better to check the guys were safe, and to find the enemy plan. The sooner I was done with it, the sooner everything would end. 'Later' I kept repeating to myself, just later.

I looked down from the air duct to discover I was in some kind of hangar. It was a damned huge room that was divided in two with a removable screen not higher than two meters. The half were I was located was full with machinery, boxes, desks. The ceiling was a good five meters from the ground. In the other half, where the guys and the black haired asshole stood, there was a small stage, a meeting table, big, for about 20 people, and the screen with my distorted face, lovely. There was an odd yellow line about the middle of the stage as well. It called my attention because it didn't make sense with the rest of the colors and the location. Also, only the enemy was on the stage. The guys couldn't see the line. Did it had a meaning or was I reading too much into the situation? I kept scanning the room while hearing his damned voice as background noise.

'Oh, he provided very interesting information. You see, I managed to have access to the content of his brain. We could reproduce the reality he was facing in images, so it was very easy to have a clear idea of what was going on to add our own share of inputs. Things we could emulate later on, things we could perhaps drive him to do afterwards.' I felt my body tense. I didn't like what he was implying. I had had enough. I was ready to stop the motherfucker. I was turning towards him, my gun in my hand, when I saw it. small numbered lights, tiny red dots, a countdown. A bomb. A tiny hidden bomb. The yellow line… shit. Realization hit me. His plan damned clear. He had calculated the distance to be safe, and just to be sure he put a line, a damn firewall line. I'd seen the material before. Fucking common in hospital and factories working with flammable stuff, shit, fucking common in organized gangs that cooked drugs. I couldn't waste my time shooting the bastard. If I failed he may have a distant detonator. If I succeed and kill him, I cannot waste my time giving explanations to the guys. No one has noticed I'm here. I can make it to the bomb. I can render it useless. My attention said fuck it to my surroundings. The bomb first, then anything else. 'I could give you access to the lovely secrets and deepest fears and wants of Mr. Maxwell.' The motherfucker offered, his voice tempting and daring. I could fucking hear his damned smile, and my heart throbbed. I was so fucking divided. I don't want to hear anymore, I don't want the guys to know more. I don't want any more of this shit! But the bomb, the bomb goes first. 'Later', I thought again. Oh shit, later...

'No.' Heero's voice almost startled me. 'Skip that.' Relief filled me, but I couldn't focus on it.

'Beg your pardon?' Black haired asshole sounded disappointed. I was fucking speechless. I forced my attention back to the bomb.

'You stole that information. He'd categorize it as mind rape. That's his own thing. I want to know what else you fucking did to him.' My heart squeezed painfully. Why was the bastard doing the honorable thing? Don't get me wrong. I really don't want to hear my shit out loud. But Heero doing exactly what I'd want him doing, being so fucking… thoughtful, well, it hurts.

'I see…' the silence continued for a few seconds. I guess he was trying to figure out a new way of stalling. 'We found the right moments to add inputs, for the story to evolve.' He continued, I guess having found a new strategy. I heard my grunts again. Shit, another video. I honestly tried not to look. But fuck, that was me, obviously in pain. The body of the me in the video jerked and I turned protectively towards my arm. Yeah… I had been shot. I remembered now. If I thought of it, I could still feel the pain. But before that it just wasn't there. It dawned on me that I didn't have a scar of it. Maybe that's why I hadn't remembered before? So it was like that? It had never really happened?

'What happened to him?' Wufei asked, rage, I could taste their rage.

'A bullet in his arm while trying to protect Mr. Barton from his suicidal actions.' Black haired explained, all merry for some fucking reason. Oh yeah. He had my friends interested again. Bomb. I had to stop it before it was too late.

'What do you mean?' I noticed the hint of fear in Quatre's voice, like hell he was going to let something like that go unnoticed.

'Well, the story evolved quite a lot. One by one you all died, starting by the Vice Minister. Mr. Maxwell has a very vivid recalling of what war looks like.' another video started. This time I almost fell from the damn ceiling. It truly was like a damned movie. The images inside my head, my memories, outside of it. Sure, they had a hint of computer animation. But shit. I jerked when I saw the explosions… my own head perfecting the images in front of me. My emotions, strengthened with the drugs they used on me, came back full force.

I saw the ceiling fall over Relena, I saw her die again, I felt mourning again. I saw Heero stagger back to my memories, and the stab of pain had me focusing on the bomb again. Not the time to get distracted, I knew what came after anyways. I heard the gunshot coming from the screen. I heard Quatre's gasp of shock. I kept my eyes on the cables in front of me. My hands tense but controlled, no fucking trembling. Apparently he was going for the best moments. Fucker. At least he had skipped my confession. Something to be grateful in this mess. When Quatre died I heard Trowa hiss, by then, the bomb threat was almost controlled. I had opened the little shit, and had exposed the cables. Just needed to work my magic and pick the right one. I could only be glad I travel with my shit fucking everywhere. So Duo, forget about the background noise for a moment. Which one of these little cables do you have to cut? You only need to stop the countdown. I had another plan for the bomb itself.

I finished in time to see Wufei fall. The pain so damned real. I had lived it. It wasn't a damned movie for me. I figured the guys got that part, if the tension and shocked stance of their bodies didn't trick me. By now I had only one more secret the bastard could strip from me and lay bare for the world to see. But so far I had failed in protecting all my damned secrets. God, I needed this all to end. At least I had the fucking bomb in my hands and I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it. I only needed to get down of this damned ceiling and next to the guy, killing him was the only way to be certain he had no more back up plans. Luckily, his damned gloating had him focused on the rest, he hadn't noticed me. Not once had he looked towards his hidden bomb. He was truly enjoying this. Fucking sociopath.

'Duo… lived that?' Quatre asked, his voice almost hesitant.

'Oh, he was very convinced of the reality of it all. You see, he managed to wake up then. Somehow he got rid of the effect of the sedatives. You Gundam Pilots are amazing. He was so convinced about it, so confused…' I looked in time to see an image of me opening my eyes. Shinigami's crazy killer spree eyes. I stood in a smooth motion and… broke the windpipe of the asshole in front of me in one single hit. I knew I had to get to him, to the enemy and stop this, but the images shocked me… I had never seen me like that. I could barely remember all I'd done. As the amount of people I killed increased I felt nauseous. At some point I managed to get a hold of a knife, and I went slicing throats as if giving candies during fucking Halloween. I continued until there was not a single person alive in that damned base. I saw Shinigami start a fire. I saw him break the hands of the scientists who controlled the experimentation being conducted on me, I saw him tie them in front of the flames. I heard their screams when they burned to death.

I felt like throwing up, my hand covering my mouth. I focused all my attention into breathing. That was real, not only in my head but in this world as well. I had killed all that people. And I was willing to keep doing it. Just what kind of monster am I? But then again. Hadn't I been questioning that since that mission finished? Fuck, I've been questioning my nature since the Maxwell Church if we are going to be honest about it. Every day since I woke up in the hospital a few months ago I knew I was going to kill anyone who crossed my way and tried to hurt my friends like that.

The safety of a gun being removed brought my attention back to the screen. I saw myself looking at a glock I had managed to steal along the massacre. Caressing the side of my face with the gun, I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them again I was me, Duo, again. Without wasting any more time I pressed the trigger. Both the recorded and the present me staggered back with the motion of the bullet. I heard four gasped 'no', and I think only that allowed me to stay back in the present, to come back to what I had to do now. I had officially failed in keeping all the secrets I promised myself they wouldn't fucking find out. I needed to succeed as saving them. Only that Shinigami, only that.

'...But he survived.' Heero said linking everything together, his voice rough. I took my chance when his voice echoed in a low whisper in the deadly silent room. I reached the floor and started walking towards them, making sure I was as stealthy as possible. I didn't need to hurry to hide my secrets anymore. I had gotten rid of the bomb. If the bastard didn't have another plan I could well kill him slowly. I was fucking thirsty for his blood.

'Something I couldn't even think was possible. Bless the enhancements you received in your training. It was the perfect chance to test the suggestibility effect of the inputs. Could we also create reality for our subjects? I had all the information I needed. I only had to make sure to recreate his memories as much as possible. At least at the beginning. After that, as he had 'changed' reality, it'd make sense things weren't the same. At the same time, he had given me a very realistic and suitable plan of how to start a war. I was willing to wait until having at least a small army. But damn, his notion of how events could develop was so… accurate, so complex and logical. Besides, if I did it soon enough he could connect it with his memories. What would be the effect of it? Luckily I had figured out quite a bit of his personality. He was never going to allow something like this to happen. He was going to give everything to protect you all, and in that process I could manage to kill him anyway. Funny though. No matter how much he planned for it. He will fail anyway. I wonder if he'll try to kill himself again now that he knows bullets won't work…'

'Well darling,' I interrupted, bored of his shit and fearing the guys would kill him before me by now. I made my entrance from the side of the stage, slowly walking towards him, my steps now freely echoing on his side of the stage, my eyes a strong resemblance to the Shinigami of those damned recordings. 'I'm afraid you won't get to see that, because you see, if I fail… we all die.' to emphasize my point, I lifted my hand with the explosive device. I saw his eyes widen and he took a step back, I guess he is not very used to be on the line of fire. When he faltered I smirked. Finally, it was my chance to even the game.


	11. What makes reality

'...how?' the bastard asked, shocked, I had the pressure to see him falter.

'You gloat too much. Your plans are way too slow. That was always your problem. That's how I got used to the drug, and how I destroyed your previous base, how I managed to stop every one of your attempts, and how you'll fail again, now.' I stated, adding a shrug to evidence his stupidity. This asshole needed the reminder.

'I have the distant detonator!' He shouted, trying to threaten me. I laughed in his fucking face. Yeah, because I hadn't thought of that… oh wait. I smirked and when a chill of pure fear traveled through his spine, it turned into a fucking mad grin. Oh sweet revenge, one of the few things I'm actually good at.

'I thought so, and I have no problem with you using it. But you'll have to blow yourself too, and whatever important equipment you keep in the secret room behind this hangar.' I tapped the wall behind the stage. 'You see, if we die all together, I have no big issue with it.' His eyes widened so fucking much that I thought they were going to pop out, all color draining from his face. I saw him reach for the detonator. I was pretty certain more in an act of bravery and to threaten than to actually use it. He was a sidelong player, not the main character. He wanted others to do the job. He'd never risk his own damned life. But before he could find the damn thing I saw blood splatter from his neck, his body falling to the side, his eyes losing that living glint. The one he had taken away from my own eyes not so long ago, and my head snapped in surprise to the side just to see Heero and his perfect soldier persona with his gun trained in the place were that guys' neck had just been.

I felt my body shake in a mixture of relief and exhaustion. Dead. He was dead. It was over. It was finally over. I slided to the floor, the bomb still in my hand. I could only blink to the dead body in front of me, while familiar voices shouted my name. Their steps hurried in my direction. I felt safe hands roaming over my body, probably trying to check if I was wounded. I could only look at the cadaver in front of me.

'...Duo, let it go…' someone shook me, and I blinked to the face suddenly in front of me. Trowa. I tried to understand what he was talking about. 'The bomb Duo, give me the bomb.' Right, it was in my hand, it could still work. I nodded and opened my hand. He was quick to grab it from there and turned to find the detonator. I blinked again, now Heero's face was in front of me.

'Duo we have to go, he may have another plan, a squadron coming, more bombs or something.' He was right. I tried to connect my blank mind back with reality.

'Right.' I mumbled and managed to stand. I walked towards the dead body and looked for the keys I knew this guy had. Found them quickly. 'Tro, give me the bomb please,' He looked at me, I could see the doubt written in his features. 'It's ok, trust me.' I saw a glint of recognition and he gave it to me. I put it in my pocket and crouched down to grab the dead body as well. Then I walked towards the hidden door behind the stage and opened with the keys. The lab was there. The footprints I'd found on the building had illustrated me about it. I saw the chair and the rest of the machines, including the recording devices and the laptop in charge of transforming my brain signals into images. I felt nauseous again. I dropped the body in the centre of the room and put the bomb on top of it. Then I walked to the door where Heero and Wufei awaited for me. 'Let's get out of here.' I mumbled.

Quatre led the way, I supposed towards the same way they used to get in here. I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings. I just remember walking. I remember the silence. I remember being in the back of a car with Wufei and Heero in both sides of me. Trowa driving, and Quatre next to him. I recall having requested for the detonator and pressing the button. I can still see the explosion. Then we just drove the hell away from there. The guys explained they had received an encrypted message informing them I had been kidnapped and to come and rescue me. It had happened while I was rescuing Relena. After I had informed them I had something else to do, but I never said what. If I had been captured it didn't make sense to inform me of their fieldwork. It it was a trap… well, better to go prepared. They had realised quickly it was indeed a set up and got rid of pretty much everyone before getting to this guy. It was a good plan. If I hadn't placed the tracker I'd have arrived back to Preventers by the time of the explosion. I shuddered, but said nothing. I just wanted to get back home and sleep. I was suddenly extremely tired. They seemed to realise. No one asked me anything. They just drove me to Wufei's place. I went straight to bed. I think I was shocked by the whole situation. My own brain had produced all that shit, I had given so many ideas to the enemy. Sure, I was able to protect them after that, but at what cost? I had been an experiment, again, doesn't it makes you hate the world for it? I had been exposed beyond what I could possible want in front of my friends, my feelings for Heero were out in the open, and for months I'd been convinced I truly was the god of death, adding more evidence to my fucked up life. I had been running so much and for so long trying to stop this all on my own, not having time to feel, to think, to deal… and now it was suddenly over. It was over. Oh fuck. Tomorrow, I could deal with it all tomorrow.

-o-

I opened my eyes to the falling light of dawn, and was surprised to see Heero seated nearby reading a book. It told me all I needed to know.

'How long?' My voice still sleepy. His head jerked up to face me, surprised to find me awake. He came to sit to the bed next to me.

'Two full days.' He said, with a voice filled by unsaid thoughts and emotions. I guess I had worried them. Shit, I knew I had. At least they understood why now.

'I was exhausted.' I sighed while leaning my head back.

'Duo…' His hesitant voice made me want to flinch, but I contained myself. I knew what we were going to discuss. Well, it had to happen sometime, I just wasn't thrilled about facing his rejection after everything else. Shitty timing and all. I couldn't ask him to leave for later though. I'm a soldier too, I understand the need to set the parameters as soon as possible. I only nodded in encouragement. I had said my part already. 'You said that I should do what I was supposed to do and leave you.' He didn't need to clarify when. I remembered my outburst with painful clarity. 'In the alternative reality they created in your brain I died, but I distanced before that. My face when Relena died…' he continued, I guess having made the connection. So fucking smart. I closed my eyes trying to block the memories '...when did it happened?' He asked, referring to when had I confessed to him in that damned fake reality.

'Before that, that's how it all started.' I explained, my voice tight. God, I didn't want to relive the whole damned experience a fucking third time.

'You told me you loved me,' he stated, his voice soft, I felt something inside me throb. Unable to speak, I only nodded. He continued, 'and I… rejected you?'

'You were freaking disgusted 'Ro, you left me behind that day.' I winced to the obvious pain in my words.

'That's the best way of differentiating reality from what is not.' He said calmly, matter of factly.

'You'd never be such an asshole?' I tried to tease, but damn, it was painful.

'I'd never reject you.' I faced him, shock in all my features. I felt my heart stop. His stare more intense than ever before.

'No…' I gasped, pain blossomed everywhere. I love him he… god no, he may love me, may like me, whatever… but if he dies… no. I cannot take you dying on me…

'I survived so far.' He shrugged, and I realized I'd said the last bit out loud.

'Smart ass…' I said before thinking, my mouth running faster than my brain, as fucking always. I was still trying to come to terms with his words, with the implications, with what I should do. He didn't allow me time to think, and continued talking. It was beyond me to be able to stop me. I could barely keep breathing properly, and that because I don't consciously coordinate the action.

'You never allowed me to reply earlier. And we still need to deal with you trying to kill yourself later,' He gave a pointed look, making clear I was going to have to endure that talk, and that it'd probably involve the rest of the guys. 'But first things first,' He pierced me in place with the intensity burning in his eyes, daring me to run away. 'I love you too. And no, I don't love Relena as well. Perhaps some of the things I've done in this time are confusing for you. Like leaving with Relena when you saved her instead of staying with you. But you can probably understand how much easier it is to be doing something than to be hurting because I cannot help you. Your pain hurts me. I was feeling useless and that's not something I know how to properly deal with. I apologize if that hurt you.' I blinked at him, shocked. Could this be true? Could I have gotten such a misconceived notion of reality for what that bastard did to me? He sounded so serious, so convinced of everything he was saying. I wondered if he'd prepared the speech while I was sleeping. I'm not denying he can be extremely articulated if he chooses to, but he is more the clipped answers instead of the speeches about feelings kind of guy.

'I cannot promise,' he continued. 'to never die. We are human. I don't want you to die on me either, and yet you almost did it not so long ago…' he seemed to have problems breathing, I thought of how I looked after that mission ended, how the guys found me. I shuddered. I understood the pain of losing those you love too well. 'But I can promise to always make my best to come back to you and to put you as my priority, over succeeding in the mission, over protecting others, over my work. But Duo, you have to promise the same.' I was too shocked to utter any word. I probably looked confused as fuck. Also, this was Heero's longest speech since ever. He scanned me and sighed. 'Duo, I understand why you tried to kill yourself, under that reality I'd done the same. So no, I don't hold it against you. But god, I don't want to ever have to see something like that again, find you like that again. And I won't compare my pain to the one you felt in that… virtual reality or whatever it was. But I also can understand the pain of losing those you love. Promise me you'll do your best to survive, you'll think at least twice before hurting yourself, and you will never ever again in your life, keep a secret like that from me. If we had been honest, both of us, that reality may had never existed. I'm not asking to know all the secrets of your past, I'm not asking you to tell me every thought and feeling you have, and I'm not expecting you get over this… fear, from one second to the next. I'm asking you to trust me and to try, and to promise me you will take care of yourself. You go first, then me, then the guys, then everyone else.'

It took me a while to process it all, but eventually I gave him a tentative nod. It was enough. He hugged me and damn but I could feel him everywhere, so warm and… alive. I let him hold me, I used my time recording the shape of his body, his essence, the softness and yet roughness of his skin against mine.

'That was not reality, Duo' He said after a few minutes, taking some distance to lock our eyes, but keeping his arms around me. 'In reality I love you. You confessed your feelings in the hangar in a fit of anger. Me and the rest, including Relena, we are all alive and well, and as usual, you succeeded in your mission. In reality, you and I started dating today.' I lifted my eyebrow, finally feeling the numbness, the shock, fade away. For once, it wasn't replaced by more pain or fear, but with warmth and security, was this hope? The guys were safe. The perfect plan to start a war only existed in our heads, our enemies could not do the same.

'And when did we agree to date?' I teased, avoiding the other more emotional topics popping in my brain. I'd have time to deal with them one at the time.

'Just now.' He determined, not giving me a chance to hesitate or doubt. 'We also agreed you are not going to these kind of missions without a back up, none of us is. And you are never hiding an injury again, emotional, physical, mental, I don't care. We all agreed on that too, for all of us.

'New Gundam Pilot rules?' I asked. Not sure how to feel about it. When he first refer them to me it kind of angered me, but if it was the same for all of us… it kind of made sense. Wouldn't I be ten times more relaxed if I knew and could really trust they were just fine?

'You can call it that way. We can have safe words if you want to, but if someone plays with our brains it won't help much.'

'Yeah, and it'll make me feel like we are all into some sort of SM relationship or some shit like that.' I laid back again. I was starting to relax. What is this power he has over me?

'If you are going to be boring about it.' He muttered and my eyes widened in shock. If I had been drinking something I would've choked. I felt a pang of anticipation down in my gut.

'Aren't you going too fast?' I asked, not sure if I'd heard properly. I mean, he has an off-balancing sense of humor, but shit.

'No, I think I'm going rather slow.' His voice went husky, and I thought that one better.

'Yeah, agree. How can I be convinced this is reality like this?' He laughed and damn but I started finally feeling alive, feeling in the present, in the real world. I saw his expression change and I knew that was what he was waiting for. I couldn't believe it, Heero Yuy is a damn tease. But since when am I someone who waits for things to happen? I think our mouths found each other midway. And fuck, there was no way my brain could produce this… sensation, in a damn virtual world. This was real, and Heero loved me, and shit, this was real. We were alive. I hadn't killed him. And he fucking loved me.


End file.
